David Davis to retire just before Brexit so he can move to the Algarve

BREXIT minister David Davis will retire before 2019 because he fancies buying himself a nice place in the sun.

Davis, who has been expertly guiding Britain’s divorce negotiations with the EU by repeating the same thing for five months, admitted he has narrowed it down to the Algarve, or possibly Malta.

He said: “It’s just so much more civilised in Europe. Nobody raises an eyebrow when you order a bloody Mary with breakfast.

“I’ll have done my time working, I’ll have done my time in Britain, so we need a long enough transitional period for me to pick up a little place with a terrace and a sea view so I can sit out there at sunset.

“France is out, because I don’t want to have to deal with all the refugees fleeing through the Channel Tunnel, and Greece is out because that’s going through all the same bankruptcy-by-EU stuff as Britain, only not quite as badly.

“Basically I’m looking for good weather, proper healthcare, a decent standard of living and a population who aren’t credulous, racist morons spoiling for a fight.

“So not here.”