David Davis to retire just before Brexit so he can move to the Algarve

BREXIT minister David Davis will retire before 2019 because he fancies buying himself a nice place in the sun.

Davis, who has been expertly guiding Britain’s divorce negotiations with the EU by repeating the same thing for five months, admitted he has narrowed it down to the Algarve, or possibly Malta.

He said: “It’s just so much more civilised in Europe. Nobody raises an eyebrow when you order a bloody Mary with breakfast.

“I’ll have done my time working, I’ll have done my time in Britain, so we need a long enough transitional period for me to pick up a little place with a terrace and a sea view so I can sit out there at sunset.

“France is out, because I don’t want to have to deal with all the refugees fleeing through the Channel Tunnel, and Greece is out because that’s going through all the same bankruptcy-by-EU stuff as Britain, only not quite as badly.

“Basically I’m looking for good weather, proper healthcare, a decent standard of living and a population who aren’t credulous, racist morons spoiling for a fight.

“So not here.”

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Arm everyone with machine guns, say unspeakable bastards

EVERY American should be given an automatic weapon, according to the country’s bastard pieces of shit.

Gun control activists and right-wing politicians responded to America’s latest massacre by being their usual horrific selves.

Republicans reckoned the absolute best thing was for America to have even more guns and then refused to admit they were festering turds who should be made to say sorry forever.

Meanwhile the NRA insisted it was gun control supporters who had ‘blood on their hands’ in a move psychiatrists said was either pathologically sadistic or some form of Tourettes Syndrome.

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Nope, they really are just horrendous bastards who drink from an open sewer and then breathe it over everyone.”

He added: “I like it when they argue they need assault weapons to protect themselves from the ‘tyranny of their own government’.

“The American government has aircraft carriers. Good luck with that.”