Facebook ‘needier than a newborn baby that’s just shat itself’, say experts

FACEBOOK’S incessant notifications and requests have made it more demanding than a baby that has just soiled itself, experts have confirmed.

Researchers discovered the social network’s constant cries for attention make tiny children seem like elderly men who want to be left alone in a shed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “With a baby, there are a finite number of demands – food, a nappy change, touch, and so on – often leading to a period of calm once they have been met.

“With Facebook, however, the demands are insatiable. It even screams at you until you wish a happy birthday to someone who is, essentially, a stranger.”

Researchers experimented with deleting the app and logging in occasionally, but this was found to spark severe tantrums and passive-aggressive messages.

Professor Brubaker added: “All this seems solely designed to create FOMO and the depressing realisation that you are just getting fatter and fatter.”