Facebook 'needier than a newborn baby that's just shat itself', say experts

FACEBOOK’S incessant notifications and requests have made it more demanding than a baby that has just soiled itself, experts have confirmed.

Researchers discovered the social network’s constant cries for attention make tiny children seem like elderly men who want to be left alone in a shed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “With a baby, there are a finite number of demands – food, a nappy change, touch, and so on – often leading to a period of calm once they have been met.

“With Facebook, however, the demands are insatiable. It even screams at you until you wish a happy birthday to someone who is, essentially, a stranger.”

Researchers experimented with deleting the app and logging in occasionally, but this was found to spark severe tantrums and passive-aggressive messages.

Professor Brubaker added: “All this seems solely designed to create FOMO and the depressing realisation that you are just getting fatter and fatter.”

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Man with lyrics to ‘How Soon Is Now’ tattooed on his arm starting to think Morrissey may be an arse 

A MAN who has Morrissey’s lyrics tattooed on his body is finally starting to realise the former Smiths frontman is an arsehole.

As the singer claimed the UKIP leadership vote was rigged to stop an anti-Islamic candidate being elected, Martin Bishop admitted he was now looking into the cost of tattoo-removal procedures.

Bishop said: “The day I had ‘You shut your mouth, How can you say I go about things the wrong way?’ chiseled into my forearm was one of the proudest of my life. But now I look at it and think, ‘indeed’.”

He added: “I stopped eating meat when I was teenager the second I found out he was a vegetarian. And I once sent Mike Joyce a dog turd in the post because I thought it could actually make Morrissey smile.

“I suppose I could be one of those fans who says, ‘I know he’s difficult, but I just love the poetry’. But no, he’s just a colossal prick.”

Meanwhile, Morrissey fanatic Emma Bradford said: “I’m giving him until the moment he announces he’s going to run for the leadership of the BNP.

“And even then I would have to look very carefully at his policies before making a final decision.”