Rees-Mogg to be stuffed

JACOB Rees-Mogg has outlived whatever purpose he once served and will be stuffed and kept in a glass case, it has been announced.

Britons have grown weary of the MP’s Brexit meddling and Victorian nonsense, and feel he should be preserved in a traditional way as a curio of a bygone age.

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “I can’t wait to see him stuffed like one of those foxes they have in country pubs. It’ll shut him up and he loves ‘olde worlde’ things.

“They could lend him out to museums so future generations can learn about the sort of bellend the British public decided to listen to during the disastrous ‘Brexit years’.”

Taxidermist Roy Hobbs said: “Stuffing Jacob is a bigger job than I’m used to, but as long as I’ve got enough cotton wool it’s really no different to doing an extremely large rat.

“I’m planning to put him in a lifelike pose, maybe with a haughty, self-satisfied look on his face as he blathers on pompously to a TV camera.”

Rees-Mogg said: “If being stuffed means I get more attention then let my embalmment begin sine mora, which is my irksome way of saying ‘right away’.

“Just make sure they do a good job, not like the stuffed cat on That’s Life!. The last thing I want is to appear ridiculous.”

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I'm your father now, Trump tells Meghan

DONALD Trump has selflessly stepped in to replace Meghan Markle’s father at her wedding this weekend. 

The president, who did not frame his offer as a choice, will ride in a golden carriage to the ceremony, walk Miss Markle down the aisle, then deliver one of his famous rambling, lunatic speeches. 

He said: “She got lucky. Okay? She probably doesn’t even know how lucky she got, getting Trump. 

“Her father’s a bum. He voted Hillary I hear, like a loser. I’ve adopted Meghan now. She’s like the black Ivanka. Harry might marry Ivanka next. 

“They say I’m giving her away. I’m not giving her away. Obama would give her away but I’m negotiating a fee. They offered Scotland but I own it already. 

“Your Queen asked me. She said she needed the boost to the TV ratings. She loved me in Home Alone 2. We have great chemistry.”