Useful things Meghan Markle could have bought instead of her wedding dress

AS the world waits to see Meghan’s wedding dress we look at other things that cost £300,000, such as a four bedroom house in Scotland.

333,334 Greggs sausage rolls

If Meghan wants to ingratiate herself with the UK public, she could do worse than giving away delicious meat ‘n’ pastry treats from the popular grease purveyor. However there wouldn’t be enough for everyone, so it might start a revolution.

A panic room

For getting away from people who obsess over the Royal Family as if they were actually ordained by God, rather than a piece of historical theatre that should probably end before Charles gets a go. Also good for hiding from Prince Philip.

A remote Hebridean island

It will be in the arse end of nowhere and fucking freezing all year round, but it’s still your own private island! Though having said that, Meghan’s new nan practically owns the Commonwealth, so the novelty appeal is actually quite limited.

Rolls Royce Phantom

It’s as much of a British icon as Princess Diana, who you will NEVER, EVER be (as the Daily Express will subtly remind you, forever).

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Man reluctantly removes 'junglist' from his dating profile

A MAN has reluctantly taken the word ‘junglist’ out of his dating profile.

Following advice from family members, ex-girlfriends and the moderator of the dating site itself, 32-year-old Tom Logan removed ‘junglist’ and replaced it with ‘keen runner’.

Logan said: “I’m a qualified vet and a homeowner, but most all I’m a junglist. Telling people I love dark and tearing jungle music has been part of my life for 25 years.

“Unfortunately, so has failing to meet girls, or putting off the girls I do meet by asking them too many questions about Roni Size’s side projects.”

Logan also changed his profile picture from an image of him holding his hands in the air like two pistols to one of him holding up a medal after completing a charity hike.

He added: “It seems the modern woman in her early 30s isn’t really looking for an original rude bwoy junglist soldier.

“They’re more into going to farmer’s markets or on city breaks, neither of which seems to involve talking about Grooverider or classic mid-90s rave tape packs.

“I’m just worried that I’ll meet someone and get married, but when I finally come out as a junglist she’ll leave and take the kids.”