Rich twats still abroad

ALL the celebrities who once tweeted ‘we’re in this together’ are sunning themselves in Mexico and Dubai like the wankers they are, it has emerged.

As Britain entered a total lockdown expected to last months, reality stars and lightly-injured footballers were beginning 2021 by spunking champagne all over each other in pleasant, Covid-free locations.

Model and influencer Lauren Hewitt said: “I’m social distancing on a yacht in the Caribbean, but showing my lockdown solidarity by posting regular bikini pictures.

“Britain can be reassured I’m far away from any risk, and I’m providing a vital public service by flaunting my curves for the sidebar of Mail Online.

Billionaire Roy Hobbs said: “The lockdown came earlier than expected – I’d told Boris Thursday – but I’ve done my vital work guiding Britain to a crap-deal Brexit and now I’m celebrating in tax-free Monaco as I deserve.”

Stephen Malley of Doncaster said: “Yeah, I remember when all I had to be pissed off about was the celebrities’ massive kitchens as they sang shit songs for The One Show. 

“Thanks a lot, this is far worse.”

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'Long commute to the kitchen table!' and other jokes your online co-workers hate

THE country is back in lockdown, everyone’s back on Zoom, and they probably need cheering up. Crack these gags they’ve already heard four times this morning: 

‘Sorry I’m late, stuck in traffic!’

Resentment can really build during those excruciating minutes making small talk while they wait for you to join the party. Really cement that bitterness when you arrive with this quip reminding them of the world that’s gone, and the fleeting nature of their time alive.

‘I was on mute was I? Probably what you’d all prefer, eh?’

The fact that you haven’t learnt to unmute yourself without your colleagues reminding you in over nine months is doing the trick already. Use this banter to make them wish for the eternal muteness of the great beyond.

‘Is my camera not on? And you all so desperate to see this gorgeous face!’

See above.

‘Woah! Check out my background!’ 

Workers across the country are crying out for wit and variety, something emphatically not provided by you fiddling with your computer for ages, repeatedly asking ‘Has it worked?’ then suddenly being in The Simpsons living room.

‘I’m naked from the waist down!’

Why stop at destroying their will to work? Hammer home to your co-workers who haven’t had any action for months that the closest they’ll get to titillation is imagining you half-naked and they’ll lose the will to love, too.

‘Do I look different to anyone?’ 

Delivered when you’ve sat your dog in your chair and are stifling giggles from off-camera. Nobody gets it because nobody’s looked at your quadrant of the screen since May.