Friday, 22nd January 2021

Lockdown to give government vital time to find excuses for next lockdown

A NEW national lockdown is necessary to buy time to create a bold new set of excuses for the lockdown after that, the government has admitted. 

Michael Gove, the prime minister’s bitch, confirmed that they had no option but to take drastic action in order to brainstorm why in another two months it will be necessary to take drastic action again.

He said: “There is no choice but to impose another lockdown, because… there was… a mutant… see, this is why we need it.

“The virus is out of control. Our whack-a-mole PR strategy is no longer working, and wasting time and resources we could be using to find a better scapegoat for why the virus is out of control.

“We can only paper over the cracks with footage of 82-year-olds being vaccinated for so long, and incidentally there’s more of that today and we’ll be obsessively returning to it in every interview.

“Alas, the vaccine alone is not enough. Alas, mass immunity is still many months away. Alas, it is inevitable we will continue to cock up, so we need to bank some generic ‘alases’ in advance.

“So once again, we ask the British public to be patient. Your sacrifice will give us precious time to come up with an excuse that’s at least solid enough for the Daily Mail, and if that fails we’ll start the clapping again. Thank you.”