Right-wing nutter knows exactly who he'd like it to be

A RIGHT-WING nutter on social media knows exactly who he would like the suspended BBC presenter to be, he has confirmed. 

Norman Steele of Lincoln firmly believes he knows the identity of the presenter suspended after allegedly paying a teenager for explicit images, based purely on not agreeing with his politics.

He said: “Of course it’s him. Bound to be. They’re always hypocrites, these lefties.

“He sits there acting so holier-than-thou over Partygate, lording it over us like he’s better than me just because he’s earning seven figures on the BBC and I’ve been made redundant from the chicken farm, then this comes out and who’s the monster now?

“Admittedly I spent the weekend claiming it was various gay men or Lineker and I was wrong, but there’s no mistake this time. He’s not been on the BBC for the last 48 hours which proves it. Not that I watch the BBC because it’s biased woke shit.

“I can’t wait until they expose him as the sex pervert he is in front of the whole world. That’ll wipe the smiles of their smug Labour faces.”

Steele added: “If it’s a Tory the whole thing’s a set-up. F**king liberal media.”

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Gym before work: seven f**king unhelpful tips on how you could exercise more

DON’T have time for exercise? Obsessive gym rats can help you with that, by making these unworkable suggestions and dismissing your objections as weakness: 

Gym before work

Gyms open at 6am. What’s more, at that time they’re quiet. And exercising actually gives you energy, so you’ll be powered up for work and still able to enjoy an evening of passing out from exhaustion during The One Show.

Get a standing desk

A fascinating phenomenon: any additional social credit you’ll gain from being fitter and more adherent to societal body standards will be cancelled by being known as that daft twat with a standing desk.

Sign up for a team sport

Want to be fitter to improve your quality of life and live longer? Then don’t take the field against a team of wildly competitive bastards in the Rawtenstall North Netball League, where steel-elbowed Donna will think nothing of crippling you for a match point.

Run while watching TV

You spend hours watching TV every night –  why not watch it from a treadmill? After all, you’re watching The Chase Celebrity Special from 2014 because you love it, not because it’s meaningless noises and flashing lights to slump in front of.

Get a bicycle

Nothing says ‘enjoy the de-stressing benefits of exercise endorphins’ quite like trying to navigate commuter traffic with no more protection than Lycra and a bellend’s helmet.

Go on activity holidays

Yes, the only fortnight you’ll have off all year should be spent mountain biking with a toddler. In heavy rain, in Wales, costing more than the Maldives.

Do burpees while the kettle boils

Oh f**k off.