Royal foetus planning typical royal lifestyle

THE royal foetus plans to get a pair of mediocre A-levels, have a brief military career or set up an unsuccessful cake business, it has emerged.

Speaking via ultrasound, the foetus announced that before its coronation it would pursue various quasi-jobs while spending at least four months of the year on skis.

The foetus said: “My early years will mainly consist of being a perturbed-looking child, after which I will attend one of the less academic public schools to acquire a C in German.

“After university I’ll go into my favourite bit of the army for a while before becoming honorary president of the Camera Obscura Appreciation Society.

“If I’m a girl I’ll skip the military bit and set up a niche business supplying inedible cupcakes to equestrian discos.

“However, rest assured that none of this will affect my official duties of smiling at Africans, standing on balconies and signing parliamentary bills into law.”

The foetus added that while it pursued its career, it would enjoy a colourful love life.

It added: “I’ll be having a series of relationships with people whose names would have been rejected by Julian Fellowes for being too cliched.

“That’s until I find one with sufficient genetic differences so that the breeding cycle can begin again.”



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Boris demands fantasy version of Europe

BORIS Johnson has demanded a version of Europe that came to him in a dream.

The massive blond-haired child said he had dreamt of a Europe where all the other countries would re-arrange everything to our advantage because we invented puppies.

Johnson added: “Francois Hollande, dressed as Lady Gaga dressed as Napoleon, rubbed olive oil into my knees and said ‘is nice, yes?’.

“Then he told me how the European Union had been invented so that Britain would be happy and that if it made us sad then it was obviously horrid.

“Then he told me that we could have a really special and lovely relationship with the EU, a bit like Norway and Switzerland, except we wouldn’t have to pay loads of money and obey all the rules like they have to.

“And then I said that sounded spiffing and that everyone in Britain would vote for it and then our seatbelts could be whatever shape we wanted.”

An EU spokesman said: “When Britain leaves the EU we will have to pay more for top-quality British products like payment protection insurance.

“Admittedly Scotch whisky will also be more expensive so we’ll just have to make do with Cognac, Armagnac Calvados, sherry, Madeira, grappa, schnapps, kirsch, and of course the absolutely delicious Kumquat of Corfu.

“You are such dicks.”