Royals Blackmailed Over 'Deformed Prince Under The Stairs'

THE Royal Family is being blackmailed over claims they have been keeping a deformed prince in a cupboard under the stairs.

Weekend newspaper reports suggested that the Queen and Prince Philip imprisoned the hideously ugly child more than 30 years ago and have been feeding him twice a day on stale Cornish pasties and cans of Irn Bru.

Late last week two men were arrested in connection with the alleged plot amid speculation they held secret video footage of the Buckingham Palace troll being walked on a chain.

The Palace last night denied the allegations but stressed that if a member of the Royal Family was locked in the boot cupboard under the footmen's rear staircase, the public could rest assured it was not one of the important ones.

A Palace insider said: "Over the years we've heard violent screams and torrents of unspeakable profanity, but we just assumed it was Prince Philip watching a documentary about immigration.

"A few years ago there were whispers about a child who was so hideous he was banned from appearing in public, but then we saw Prince Edward on It's a Knockout."

It is the latest blackmail scandal to hit the House of Windsor. Last year Prince Charles was forced to deny allegations that he rides his wife around the drawing room like a seaside donkey.

Meanwhile the Royal Family is to commission its own version of the famed Terracotta Army of the first Chinese emperor Qin Shi Huangdi.

The Windsors' army will number more than 2000 figures including a terracotta car crash organiser, a terracotta drug dealer and a terracotta provider of blow-jobs.

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Porn Fans Terrified By Gigantic Plasma Cocks

GIANT plasma screens have been declared unsuitable for watching pornography after an increase in the number of people traumatised by gigantic cocks.

Government porn advisers say 'giganto-porn' carries serious health risks and have urged enthusiasts to limit themselves to 27 inches and simulated stereo.

Avid porn collector Johnny Gates was forced to give away his entire collection after he bought a new 108-inch plasma screen television but found himself revolted at the sight of an eight-foot penis in his living room.

Mr Gates, 42, spent £2,999 on the latest Sony TV after the assistant in Currys assured him it would provide unrivalled sharpness for both anal and double penetration.

However, he became physically sick and unable to continue masturbating less than half-way through his favourite film after watching two-minutes of extreme close up thrusting.

Gates said the violent reaction was particularly unexpected as he had watched porn all his adult life and also works in a butcher's shop.

He said: “I put on Jenna Jameson in Dangerous Tides and lay back to enjoy the action. It started off great with some amazing long-shots of a fantastic seven girl orgy.

“After a while it occurred to me I was tossing myself off while staring at an enormous penis and I started to wilt. I’m glad I didn’t persevere until the money-shot. It probably would have killed me.”

Gates said he decided there and then to dispose of his self-lovingly assembled porn collection. “The very next day I went out and gifted it all to the local charity shop,” he said.