Apple Tightens Grip With Launch Of iTold

APPLE is to tighten its grip on 21st Century society this week with the launch of iTold, a new software application which will seize control of every aspect of your life.

The computer giant is concerned that many people buying its products, especially the recently launched iPhone, regard them as their own private property and not an actual physical extension of the body of Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

It is particularly annoyed that many iPhone owners have been using them for their own ends instead of using them to tell the world that Jobs is a genius or possibly the son of God.

Mr Jobs said: “I didn’t create a huge company peddling all sorts of over-engineered crap so that people could buy it off me with their own money and then think it was their's to do with as they pleased.

“You might think that handing over your cash for one of my products gives you ownership rights. Wrong. Once you buy one of my products I own you and you are my bitch. So bend over and shut the fuck up while I update your ass with my hard-drive, you cocksuckers.”

Ted Knutz, iTold developer, said: “The iTold will download automatically onto all Apple appliances and gives Steve Jobs the irrevocable right to take the virginity of the daughters of anyone who has purchased an Apple product in the last 30 years, and the sons as well if he wants, but obviously not at the same time as that would be disgusting.

“Once installed iTold will order all Apple users to give a tenth of their annual income to Jobs, either in money or in kind by working in his fields. It will also make them fight for Jobs should he declare war on any of his business rivals.

“We are not saying he will, but if he does and you don’t turn up ready to die for Apple then iTold will turn your iPhone into steaming lump of dog shit and make your MacBook download child porn until the police smash your door down and lock you up forever in a six-foot cell with a giant murdering arse rapist. That will be $99 please.”

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Public Not Aware Simply Red Was A Band

A GINGER tit is to carry on singing despite announcing he was splitting up a band which everyone thought was just him anyway.

Mick Hucknall, 47, last night revealed he was planning to disband the group Simply Red because he had not been in the newspapers for many years.

However, to the disappointment of millions, he admitted the ‘split’ would not take place for another two years and that he is also launching a horrifying solo career.

Lisa Martens, 26, a pop fan, said she was devastated to hear the Mancunian song vandaliser was not giving-up completely but merely seeking to generate publicity for his forthcoming world tour.

Ms Martens said: “My heart leapt when I heard Simply Red were to be put down. But my boyfriend said that was impossible as the only real member of the band was the guy in the stupid fucking hat. It turns out that Simply Red is short for ‘Simply a Red-Headed Twat’.”

She added: “He’ll have to hire a band before he can split one up. Wouldn’t it save a lot of bother if the ginger tit would just shut the fuck up right now.”

Ms Martens has set up an online petition at www.shutthefuckuprightnow calling on Hucknall to bring forward the 2009 deadline for the abolition of Simply Red. As of last night it had 54,345,623 signatories, including the ginger tit’s girlfriend.

Tom Logan, professor of music at the Institute of Pop, said: “There are plenty of real black people who make records. Why don’t people listen to them instead?”