Russell Brand admits sex with Chris Evans

RUSSELL Brand realised he was addicted to celebrity sex after a passionate one-night stand with Chris Evans, it has emerged.

The Dickensian-Tantric comedian seduced wacky, bespectacled coppertop Evans after a boozy night at the Met Bar.

Brand said: “Waking up with Chris’s bifocals beside the bed and ginger hairs in my teeth was a particular low point.

“Sex with celebrities is an addiction like alcohol or heroin, after a while it doesn’t matter whether the celebrity is any attractive member of the opposite sex, or a flame-headed middle-aged man.

“I should have realized things were getting out of control when I saw James Corden backstage at Comic Relief and thought ‘Cor….I wouldn’t mind a go on that’.”

“I was on a dark path towards a threesome with David Dimbleby and Esther Rantzen.”

Brand described how his fixation with celebrity sex led to bad decisions, including his failed marriage to Katy Perry and a doomed tryst with Fred Dibnah in 2003.

Brand said: “Frankly, any form of celebrity would do. I’m pretty sure I once shagged someone because she was related to the bloke who invented the Lancaster bomber.

“Now I just want to beat this addiction, but I think I can do it with professional help and the support of my fans, who I will then be able to shag even though they’re not famous.”

Brand will now begin several weeks of intensive therapy, during which he will be kept in a Hannibal Lecter-style sex-proof cage in case any other celebrities check into the clinic.

 

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Joey Barton to leave Joey Barton

QUEENS Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton is to part company with himself at the end of the month, by mutual consent.

Police were called to a West London restaurant when matters between the two personalities of the ex-England international came to a violent head.

According to fellow diners, Barton had been goading himself repeatedly, before he finally snapped and let fly with fists, punching his own face and body.

An argument had broken out within Barton regarding Barton’s haircut. Joey Barton’s softer personality ‘Barton’ – a complex, troubled 29-year-old – insisted it was a homage to George Orwell, while volatile ‘Joey’ insisted it was a “proper hard man’s haircut.”

Taking to Twitter, Barton said: “First Manchester City, Newcastle, then QPR, now who knows? I’ve given Joey chance after chance to better himself but every time he recoils into barbarism and base savagery.

“As Nietzsche said, ‘Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster.’ So true – and so, like Morrissey, I must fly, fly.”

Joey, meanwhile, shouted his response to Barton while standing outside his own/the latter’s house, beside the remains of his Mercedes which he’d just torched.

Joey said: “Yer friggin’ soft get! Wi yer fookin’ book shit. Come ‘ed! Come on, eh? ‘Ave a fookin’ fight, Barton, you’re a footballer for fook’s sake!”

Sports psychoanalyst Julian Cook said: “What we have here is a classic personality clash – Barton, thoughtful, socially concerned, a cut above the average footballer, the sort of fellow who would have enjoyed a conversation with the late Robert Hughes and Joey, blood for brains, who’s basically Yosser Hughes.

“Post career, Barton has expressed a wish to write a thesis on the Persecution of the Modern Soul with relation to Baudelaire, while Joey has expressed a wish that everyone just fuck off.”