Cannabis smokers still cleverer than lager fans

POT smokers generally have more brain cells than people who like lager, it has been claimed.

A new study from New Zealand has claimed that young cannabis smokers risk an irreparable reduction in their IQ.

However, Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies believes potheads still have a way to go before they are as idiotic as those who skull twelve pints of wifebeater on a Friday night.

Professor Brubaker compared the preferred leisure activities of weed smokers and lager drinkers. He found that pot smokers were likely to watch complicated manga films and research conspiracy theories on the internet.

Meanwhile lager drinkers spend their spare time in massive corporate nightclubs, going up behind girls and repeatedly poking them in the back with their genitals whenever Chakademus & Pliers’s Tease Me comes on.

He said: “In some respects cannabis seems to promote the life of the mind, especially whether it comes to maintaining concentration during overlong, overrated films like The Big Lebowski.

“Lager users, meanwhile, struggle to cope with any televised entertainment more challenging than Babestation.

“What we have to ask ourselves now is whether lager makes you thicker, or simply appeals to less intelligent people. It’s a chicken and egg, or perhaps kebab and moron, question.

“I don’t know whether cannabis should be legalised, but perhaps we should victimise both groups equally. Like if you’re caught by police with half a pint of weak lager, you get a police record and can’t ever go to America.”

Regular cannabis user Tom Logan said: “I may not have any ambition or a short term memory, but at least I’m not out trying to impress a girl who’s pissing in the gutter by drunkenly kicking a stranger in the head with my pointy slip-on shoes.

“Also I just read a book about these submarines that are living organisms – like a cross between robots and whales.

“I appreciate that’s irrelevant to the question, but it was good.”

 

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Bravery can take many forms – standing up for your beliefs, facing your greatest fear, putting your life on the line for a friend. But in your case it’s definitely that haircut.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Once in a while you have a great idea and this week it requires an army uniform, a bulldozer and George Galloway’s address.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Very few people scroll all the way down to the bottom of the Daily Mail website so you’re surprised to find it contains a large disclaimer saying: “Obviously everything above is pure horseshit”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Although the trailer for the new Total Recall says it contains ‘one use of strong language’, you reckon you could probably manage about three dozen in the first half hour.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Maybe Tinie Tempah wouldn’t have got as far with his original stage name but ‘Narky Bastard’ does have a certain ring to it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You always loved the Sylvester The Cat cartoons and as a result, you only buy succotash that has been organically raised and humanely harvested.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Selling your car? Take the advice from a friend in the motor trade and first get rid of the body in the boot.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Question – if you have 22 episodes of Magnum PI to watch and you’ve got through 7 of them, what proportion have you watched?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Utilise your years of experience, read up on the latest market trends, share best practice with colleagues across the industry and by god, that job scraping puke out of those nightclub urinals will be yours.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s often comforting to think that ‘in 100 years’ time none of this will matter’, but in your case we could replace ‘years’ with ‘seconds’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
‘Best before’ dates on food can safely be ignored if they’re a little over, but possibly not if they’re more than a couple of monarchs ago.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL
Let’s pretend for a second I care. In fact, let’s pretend for the next eight years I’m actually listening and haven’t buggered off down the pub.