Seven egomaniac celebs you know for a fact are always Googling themselves

EVER Googled your name? Okay, a couple of times, but not obsessively because you’re not a total self-regarding narcissist, unlike these celebrities: 

Gwyneth Paltrow

Largely eschewing acting to sell fanny-scented candles, plant-based Viagra for women and other mindful bollocks, Gwyneth has disappeared so far up her own arse it’s a wonder she can extend an elegant wrist to search her own name and confirm that she’s adored by a small slice of wealthy white women and ridiculed by everyone else.

Will Smith

The man who brought Pat Butcher’s slapping technique to the Oscars checks daily to see if the world has forgiven him, always concluding ‘Yes!’ and calling his agent to be disabused. While he waits for his inevitable second coming, he picks fights on Letterboxd with anyone who dared give The Legend of Bagger Vance a single star.

Gregg Wallace

‘Two Gs, motherf**ker,’ Gregg hisses daily, like a mobster demanding protection money but alone in front of a screen. As soon as his Google alert notifies him that his name has been misspelled he swings into action as if it’s their fault his parents couldn’t spell ‘Greg’ properly. All three of his divorces were because his wives dropped a ‘G’. Deliberately.

Ed Balls

The former Labour MP turned rotating breakfast stand-in twat has form. On April 28th 2011, while attempting to namesearch, he bungled it and sent a tweet saying ‘Ed Balls’. Ever since, April 28 is celebrated as Ed Balls Day. It’s only time before it becomes a festival as wild and beloved as Mardi Gras.

Donald Trump

Every morning Trump begins maintanance on his enormous crumbling ego by typing his name, his tiny hands clacking away. And, after a few false tries with ‘turmp’ or ‘tupmf’ he finds a golden river of right-wing adoration and bathes deep. Then begins composing requests for their money.


Like a singing Irish Batman in blue shades and leather trousers, Bono just wants to help people in need. He spends his time Googling his own name waiting for someone, somewhere in trouble to post a message saying: ‘Help me, Bono, I beg of you.’ In the 26 years since Google was launched it has yet to happen, but he lives in hope.

Piers Morgan

Googles himself instead of using PornHub. Images, news, passing references on social media. Before half-an-hour has passed he’s so hard he can barely stand it, then he clears the pipes. Then he does it again.

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Woman packs brand new unworn high-heeled boots for city break

A WOMAN visiting Paris has sensibly brought a new pair of high-heeled leather boots that are yet to be broken in as her only footwear option.

Eleanor Shaw has been saving the boots first wear for a suitable occasion, and planned to stroll around the City of Light as if fresh from the pages of Vogue, effortlessly impressing the stylish locals.

She said: “Please Jesus I am in agony. And this is only day two. I’ve got another 48 hours of hobbling to go.

“I was already feeling the bite of unyielding leather against my soft skin on the plane. I treated myself to a taxi from De Gaulle in the pretence it was chic, struggled to my room, surveyed the damage and realised I’d be alright as long as I didn’t walk again this week.

“I’m relying on the Metro to get around but how many f**king steps? And the Louvre goes on for miles. I stood in front of Delacroix’s Liberty Leading the People for 45 minutes with tears streaming down my cheeks. Not because of the painting.

“Last night I read all about the marvellous restaurants within a short walk from my hotel, then ordered McDonalds on Uber Eats. I said ‘Merci’ to the delivery guy. That’s been the extent of my foreign experience.

“These torture devices cost me £200 and I can’t even return them because their calfskin lining’s permanently marked with blood. Tomorrow I’m out in Crocs.”