Seven reactions to a baby named Lilibet

HARRY and Meghan have announced the birth of their second child, Lilibet Diana. Here are seven reactions to have: 

Calling children by nicknames is chavvy

The accepted way to do it is to give the kid the full, ridiculous name then only ever call it by the nickname. Putting the actual nickname on the birth certificate? Not classy. Calling it by a nickname then announcing it will be known by a nickname derived from that nickname? So chavvy it’s posh?

It’s kind of a stripper name

Not the traditional Harmony, Destiny or Chrystalle perhaps, but it wouldn’t be a surprise to see a dancer named Lily-Beth or Lilibet, probably wearing Daisy Dukes, down your town’s lap-dancing venue. Presumably Harry knew this only too well but couldn’t share.

It’ll get the crap kicked out of it in the playground

Unusual names are a real shortcut to getting bullied at school, saving both pupils and teacher valuable time. But as the baby has ginger genes anyway, the name actually serves to protect from its true shame.

Isn’t everybody’s baby called Lily? 

Lily has been in the top ten baby names for the last decade, so not only everybody’s baby but children all the way up to ten. Lilibet will probably be one of four Lilys in her class at school so teachers will call her ‘Lili with the seven-figure Netflix wellness deal’.

It’s the most blatantly jump-to-the-top-of-the-will name ever given

Naming a child after a great-grandparent? Obvious. Naming a child after a great-ggrandparent’s childhood nickname? Such a flagrant suck-up that it can’t fail to work. Expect to see the Royal titles restored by Thursday.

It sounds like an internet betting company

Not the baby’s fault so much as Far East gambling giants sticking ‘bet’ on the end of any random collection of letters and plastering it on Bradford’s shirts, but you definitely expect Lilibet to offer you a free £10 stake for every £30 gambled.

It’s still better than Eugenie

No contest.

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Child-free couple announce they're expecting another hobby

A COUPLE without children have contacted friends and family to let them know they are expecting the arrival of a new hobby. 

Julian and Selina Cook already juggle tandem cycling, dog-breeding, restoring paintings and enthusiastic participation in their local futsal league, but admitted they ‘could not resist’ getting a new interest.

Selina said: “It happened by accident really. One night we’d had a few bottles of wine, we’d got a bit silly and before we knew it we’d Googled ‘make your own chilli jam’. And it just felt so right.

“So we’ve bought the polytunnels, we’re planting the seeds, and before the end of the year we’re expecting a wonderful new crop to show off to you all.

“I know we’ve got a lot on already, but we can move all the bread-making equipment to the garage and sell a few of our antique cake stands to make room. We’re so excited!”

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “Oh God, not another. The ones they’ve already got are insufferable enough.

“They’ll turn up at Christmas with jars of their f**king jam, make a sticky mess and we’ll pretend to be delighted. I just hope this won’t turn into another precocious business.”