Man doesn't realise he is a practise date

A MAN who is his partner’s first date since lockdown began has no idea that the date does not count because it is just for practise. 

Jack Browne believes that his meal and drinks with Lauren Hewitt are the beginning of a relationship that could blossom into love, while Lauren is treating it as a dry-run and a warm-up for serious dating.

Browne said: “Lauren seems really great – warm, attentive, funny. There’s just a few weird things.

“Like she’s got a notebook she keeps scribbling in when I laugh at her jokes, or don’t laugh, and when I complimented her hair she insisted I go into quite granular detail. We spent 20 minutes. Just on her hair.

“She kept making notes, including once muttering ‘Don’t eat garlic! Of course, I’d forgotten that’. Then toward the end she was just going ‘Glasses on? Or off? On? Or off?’ while taking her glasses on and off. She didn’t seem happy with either answer.”

Hewitt said: “Jack’s a great guy in terms of being right in the middle of my dating demographic, so ideal to calibrate with.

“No, I won’t see him again after tonight’s sex. Well I need to make sure I’m game-ready, don’t I?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Yorkshire man who says pronouns are for snowflakes furious to be mistaken for Lancastrian

A YORKSHIRE man who thinks anyone specifying pronouns is a ‘snowflake’ is seething after being thought to be from Lancashire.

Bill McKay, aged 52, ridiculed his daughter for adding her preferred pronouns to her email signature but was distraught after a man in a shop commented on his ‘Lancastrian twang’.

McKay said: “Being from Bradford is who I am. It’s who I’ve always been. How couldn’t he understand how hurtful it is for me to be denied my own identity?

“It’s not even that he was ignorant. He just didn’t want to make the effort to consider my feelings. I know it doesn’t affect him but a bit of respect for who I am would just be common decency.”

McKay’s daughter Helen tried to point out the parallels of their situations but was swiftly shot down and told she was talking out of her arse.

McKay added: “It’s completely different. That’s just lefty nonsense, whereas having a massive chip on my shoulder about which side of a county border I happened to be born on is incredibly important.”