Seven wholesome celebrity scandals from a more innocent time

CELEBRITY scandals these days are cheap and tawdry. Cast your mind back to harmless, fun scandals of the past, like prostitution and attempted murder: 

Jeffrey Archer and the prostitute

Unjustly successful novelist and MP Jeffrey Archer was the victim of the vile smear that he had paid a prostitute for sex, shunning his fragrant, radiant wife Mary. He cleared his name in a high-profile libel trial, only to be jailed for perjury 14 years later because he had lied like a bastard. Still a Lord.

Frank Bough and showbiz sherbert

What did for Bough was not the class-As but the knitwear. Established as a safe, bald, jumper-clad uncle on Breakfast Time, the public couldn’t have been more shocked about his coked-up sex parties. His habit of bragging about the size of his penis and getting spanked made the nation’s Weetabix taste tainted.

Steve McFadden and dogging

Some celeb had to be into the manky world of dogging, so it’s appropriate that it was Poundland hardman Steve McFadden. His ex-girlfriend evoked the glamour of dogging thus: ‘The father of my children is a pervert. Steve loved dirty old men watching us have sex in car parks.’ Forgotten now, as if the entire UK has suppressed thoughts of Steve’s pockmarked arse through the rear window of a Vauxhall Cavalier.

Jeremy Thorpe and murder

Liberal Party leader Thorpe plotted to have ex-lover Norman Scott killed to protect his career. Or, alternatively, by coincidence a hitman shot at Scott and killed his dog. Thorpe wasn’t convicted of anything but the public’s limp-wristed aversion to murder did for him. If only the current Lib Dem leader had Thorpe’s can-do, problem-solving attitude.

Hugh Grant kerb-crawling

The evening went something like this: go to premiere. Disappointed with film, get extremely pissed. Hop in a car in an unfamiliar city. Drive around. Find a prostitute. Attempt to receive a blowjob. Get arrested. Only at this point remember you are going out with Liz Hurley. A night that puts dropping your kebab under a bus into perspective.

Hughie Green and Polaris

Opportunity Knocks host Hughie Green decided to politicise a f**king talent show by broadcasting from a nuclear submarine base to show his support for Thatcher. Unfortunately, ITV bosses sick of his right-wing views promptly ditched both Opportunity Knocks and Hughie, even though they’d given the world Little and Large.

Brothel-creeping Jamie Theakston

And back to the happy, cheerful world of presenting children’s television, a cloudless lifestyle of big smiles and all negativity banished until Live & Kicking’s Jamie was filmed in a Mayfair brothel. Meanwhile, fellow Saturday morning presenter Gail Porter’s arse was projected on Westminster and Zoe Ball married a coke-using alcoholic DJ. Simpler times.

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What to write in your colleague's birthday card when you have no f**king idea who they are

WHETHER physical or digital, Hannah’s birthday card is on its way to you and you have to pretend you know who the f**k Hannah is. Use these ploys: 

Happy happy birthday!

It’s cute, it’s whimsical, and it’s increasing the wordcount by 50 per cent already. You could gamble on ‘Have the happiest of birthdays’, but if she doesn’t know you it makes you seem like Arwen from Lord of the Rings handing down a quest.

Have a great day!

Another useful real-estate-filling sentence that means nothing to you, the recepient, or whichever nosy bugger’s reading the whole card. Helps you stand out from the pack who presumably want her to have a miserable day, which if she’s working she will be.

Put your feet up – you deserve it!

This one’s complex, as it suggests a playful in-joke between the pair of you from all of those wonderful conversations you’ve never had. Check first to make sure she’s not that lazy bitch but no, that’s Leanne.

Thank you for all that you do

Very sincere, considerate and, crucially, vague. What is it that Hannah does? Why would you know or care? Generously you assume she’s making a contribution, and show your appreciation by making a nothing statement in a card she’ll never read.

Let’s catch up soon!

Now you’ve got her on the back foot. Hardly going to quibble about your wording when she’s wondering what kind of freak she met at the office party is coming to her desk, is she? So much to catch up on: who she is, what she looks like…

Your name

Sign big. No matter what your relationship with Hannah, you know who you are. And if you’re packing a three-plus syllable nomenclature it can really fill the space. Make it as unreadable as possible to foment further confusion.

Smiley faces

Style it out with the full emoji keyboard. From confetti to dancing salsa ladies, you can look like a veritable rolling party to whoever’s signing after you. Because that’s who you’re there to impress because you don’t bloody know her.