Basic humanity 101 and other awareness courses Suella Braverman has skipped

A SPEED awareness course is not the only class where the home secretary decided it was easier to take the points. There are other glaring holes in her education: 

Basic Humanity 101

Graduates from this course are taught that refugees from war claiming asylum are not in fact criminals. Skipped by the last five home secretaries as even the faintest glimmer of compassion alienates them from Middle England and makes the requisite remorselessness impossible.

What Woke Really Means for Beginners

This crash course traces the word woke back to its African-American origins of ‘alertness to racial prejudices and discrimination’ rather than a label for anything that you don’t like that you’ve made up. Braverman did not attend but ironically appears on the course as a cautionary example.

Remedial Rwanda

Coupled with Introduction to Liberal Democracies, also skipped, students learn how Rwanda’s ruling Rwandan Patriotic Front suppresses civil liberties and silences political opponents through violence. Anyone whose final essay asserts that it is an ideal locale for Afghanis fleeing the Taliban will be graded as a fail.

Foundational Not Using A Personal Email For Work

An in-house Whitehall course that has so far scheduled Suella six times and has yet to see her turn up, this explains that sending official documents from a personal email breaches ministerial code and is a resigning offence, being reappointed a week later is cheating, and conducting government business from [email protected] is unwise as nobody uses hotmail anymore.

How to Not Look Monstrous on Camera

Created by Downing Street’s press office specifically for Suella with one-on-one tuition from top gurners, mirror-holders and exorcists, the home secretary has so far assumed that they must mean a different Suella as it’s a common name and anyway every photo of her ever taken shows her how she truly is inside so it’s fine.

Know Your Legal Rights

Braverman was last seen by this class in 2022 driving away at above the legal speed limit.

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Woman locked in vicious secret competition with all boyfriend's exes

A MAN in a long-term relationship has no idea that his girlfriend is locked in unending secret war with all his previous partners. 

Grace Wood-Morris grimly searches out information about Tom Logan’s ex-girlfriends and decides in what arena she must best her spectral rivals in before going at it full-force.

She said: “So this f**king Charlotte was a professional chef, so I ended up doing cookery classes until I could make a pavlova that beat hers. So she’s done.

“I’m having to be funnier than Sara, prettier than Katie and sexier than Natasha. That last one’s killing me because she was a total slag, but I can’t stop until he unfriends her on Instagram.

“Jenny got on fantastically with his mates, so I’m having to pretend that shower of arseholes are funtime not f**k-ups, and Claire was adventurous so we’re booked on a potholing weekend.

“Never mind that he’s not seen most of them in years and describes them as mental. I can’t rest until I’ve beaten the lot.”

Logan said: “Which one was Natasha again? Was she blonde?”