Woke blob can only hurt you if you believe in it

THE ‘woke blob’ of civil servants which terrifies Daily Telegraph readers can only hurt you if you believe it is real, it has emerged. 

The blob, which only those sufficiently right-wing can even see, descends upon perfectly innocent ideological hardliners and consumes them slowly and agonisingly leaving only the bare bones of a political career behind.

Backbencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “I’m terrified of the blob. I watched it envelop Kwasi Kwarteng, slowly absorbing every policy and conviction he had until he was nothing but a platitude-mouthing shell.

“But then other MPs walk through it as if it isn’t even there, considering it merely Whitehall employees suggesting that certain ideas might be unworkable due to international, and in some case physical, law.

“Suella’s locked in battle with the blob. She’s fighting it every single day. But to moderates she’s just kicking and punching and shouting at the air like a street-corner lunatic.

“The country at large doesn’t even believe in it. They seem to think our radical ideas, like ditching thousands of EU laws without even knowing what they are or the British Bill of Rights, are failing because they’re nonsense dreamed up by morons.

“When actually it’s all the blob.”

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Phillip Schofield left This Morning 'because it's shit'

PHILLIP Schofield admitted he had no option but to leave This Morning after realising the entire show was nothing but a collection of total shit.  

After spending a week in a heightened state of tension, noticing every detail around him for the first time in years, the presenter realised he had wasted decades of his life stringing together purposeless lifestyle items featuring minor celebrities.

A close friend said: “It’s nothing to do with the feud with Holly. He just truly understood, for the first time, that he was putting a grinning face on a pan full of turds.

“He said ‘At least on Children’s BBC I was only filling in time before Scooby-Doo. How have I ended up on a show that’s like that but without the glove puppet and without Scooby-Doo?’

“‘At least on The Cube we had a f**king cube. The theme of This Morning is that it’s the morning and this is what’s on. And after 21 years doing this shit it’s dawned on me that isn’t close to enough.’

“He’s left the show, never wants to see Holly pretend to give half a f**k about whatever shite Gino D’Acampo’s cooking every again, says Alison Hammond can have his job and intends to travel Nepal barefoot, like the Buddha.

“Though he’ll be back for the next series of Dancing On Ice. That’s a great show with a lot of depth.”