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ALDI now more middle-class than Waitrose

BUDGET German supermarket Aldi has become of a middle-class staple than Waitrose, it has emerged.

Thanks to the cost-of-living crisis and concurrent Tory governments, the aisles of Aldi are thick with doctors, lawyers, and TV producers while the car park is full of Audis.

Music teacher Francesca Johnson said: “Aldi used to be humiliating, but we’ve all been going there so long that it’s become social death not to.

“Bumping trolleys with other mums from Freya’s prep, picking up delightfully Polish jars of pickles, and none of those dreadful brand names that advertise on commercial channels. It’s very much us.

“Because it’s German it’s a little bit continental and a little bit Remainer, with those dirty floors and the unfriendly layout of the hypermarché near our villa in the south of France. Nipping in is like a European city break in itself.

“Obviously I stay away from the other shoppers unless I’m sure they’re wearing something from Boden and are there ironically, just like me.”

Aldi worker Lauren Hewitt said: “Twats like her come in every day marvelling at our avocados. I hope they choke on their Moser-Roth.

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Beer, football or garden shed: the six types of birthday card for men

GREETINGS card manufacturers think men are simple creatures akin to amoebas. Here are the six very basic categories they fall into:

Beer

Big lovely pint. Pints all day. Pint pint pint. Are they implying you’re an alcoholic? It’s not clear, but the illustration of a man with a large gut belching does not suggest flattering things. Not that you care, though, because you’re a man and all you think about is beer.

Football

What goes hand-in-hand with beer? Football, of course. The people who make birthday cards never consider that a man might have another hobby, such as Japanese cuisine or oil painting. No, you are a man, and therefore your personality is entirely based around football.

Genitals

Your male friends don’t want to give you a nice card, because that’s a bit gay, so instead they express their affection for you with one that says ‘With age comes great wisdom… and a saggy ballsack’, accompanied by a picture of some testicles. Which is even gayer, if you think about it.

Misogyny

All men love a bit of light misogyny on their birthday, right? The male sense of humour just loves a card featuring an ugly caricature of a woman and an unoriginal ‘joke’ about tits and bums. Hopefully the person who purchases this card is doing so ironically. Unless it’s your mate Darren, he genuinely thinks it’s hilarious.

Garden shed

Uh oh. Receiving a card with a shed on it means you’ve made the transition from full-time lad to middle-age, and society thinks all you’re interested in is listening to the cricket surrounded by plant pots and spiders. Receiving this card is likely to spark a midlife crisis, meaning that next year you will receive one with a red sports car on it.

Sailboat

Getting this one is unfortunately confirmation that you have gone far beyond ‘garden shed’ in years. In fact, you’re practically on your deathbed. They may as well add a drawing of your ashes being scattered at sea to the tranquil image on the front of the card.

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