SIR Ranulph Fiennes has announced an expedition beyond the boundaries of eroticism.
A bout of frostbite caused Fiennes to question why he spends his pensionable years going to very cold places that contain only ice and penguins.
Fiennes said: “When you think about it, the Marquis de Sade has just the same pioneering spirit as Sir Edmund Hillary, but with regard to sexy stuff instead of climbing. And those big mountains are pretty phallic, let’s be honest.
“I thought, I’ve explored every hostile terrain known to man. But beyond a few mildly charged pillow fights at public school I’ve always stayed on the beaten track as far as physical love is concerned.”
Fiennes’s first erotic expedition will be to a ‘furry’ convention in California, an event for people who become aroused by dressing up as animals.
He said: “I shall be attending as a ‘fabulous’ fox with giant foam rubber genitals. It’s all very new to me but it certainly makes a change from head-to-toe Gore-Tex.
“We’re taking two pack mules in suspender belts, carrying vital supplies such as protein bars, flashlights, condoms and lube.
“Transgressive clothing designer Jean-Paul Gaultier is to serve as a sexual sherpa, leading us fearlessly into the darkest of dark rooms.”