Sir Ranulph Fiennes to explore sexuality

SIR Ranulph Fiennes has announced an expedition beyond the boundaries of eroticism.

A bout of frostbite caused Fiennes to question why he spends his pensionable years going to very cold places that contain only ice and penguins.

Fiennes said: “When you think about it, the Marquis de Sade has just the same pioneering spirit as Sir Edmund Hillary, but with regard to sexy stuff instead of climbing. And those big mountains are pretty phallic, let’s be honest.

“I thought, I’ve explored every hostile terrain known to man. But beyond a few mildly charged pillow fights at public school I’ve always stayed on the beaten track as far as physical love is concerned.”

Fiennes’s first erotic expedition will be to a ‘furry’ convention in California, an event for people who become aroused by dressing up as animals.

He said: “I shall be attending as a ‘fabulous’ fox with giant foam rubber genitals. It’s all very new to me but it certainly makes a change from head-to-toe Gore-Tex.

“We’re taking two pack mules in suspender belts, carrying vital supplies such as protein bars, flashlights, condoms and lube.

“Transgressive clothing designer Jean-Paul Gaultier is to serve as a sexual sherpa, leading us fearlessly into the darkest of dark rooms.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Bowie fans prepare enjoyment face

DAVID Bowie fans are readying themselves to pretend his new album is as good as when he was good.

With reviewers giving the album four stars before they actually listened to it, fans are writing pre-prepared phrases to explain why they cannot hum any of the songs.

Bowist Roy Hobbs said: “While it’s unlikely to be as groundbreaking as Low or Heroes and it won’t be as catchy as Ziggy Stardust, I’m sure the engineering on it will be absolutely exemplary and everybody’s names will be spelled correctly.

“I’ve been tossing around a few phrases and it looks like a toss-up between ‘it’s not an easy listen but it’s worth putting in the effort’ or the more straightforward ‘intriguing’.

“It’s my biggest challenge since I tried to find  the artistic merit in him singing to a muppet about wanting to hump a 16-year-old Jennifer Connolly while wearing a codpiece and Tina Turner’s hair.”

The unexpected release of Where Are We Now has left fans with very little time to practice their opinions, noises and facial movements.

However, with many approaching middle age, they have a stockpile of noncommittal nods and smiles used for listening to their kids play the recorder, or their spouse tell the same story for the 800th time.

Hobbs said: “I look forward to listening to it three or four times before popping it on the shelf next to that new album My Bloody Valentine seem to have released for a bet.”