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Six BBC presenters it definitely isn't

AS speculation continues to rage as to the identity of the sex scandal BBC presenter, it definitively isn’t any of these: 

Muffin the Mule

BBC star Muffin ruled the airwaves between 1946 and 1955, a period where coincidentally the BBC was the only TV channel. Like Ross Kemp he later transferred to ITV for a seven-figure deal, but he, and close pal Peregrine the Penguin, are above suspicion because they are wooden puppets from another era.

Phillip Schofield

Former CBBC presenter Schofield is ironically off the hook for this particular offense after already losing all his jobs in television after being caught in an unrelated sexual involvement with a younger person last month. At home, watching the wild speculation on social media, he must be so relieved.

Ken Bruce

Shame on you. Shame on you for even considering it might be Ken, the nation’s chuckling uncle, even if he is involved with Stoke Mandeville hospital and that does have certain associations. But it’s outrageous that you’d even think it and goes to show how debased our public life has become. Anyway he moved to Greatest Hits Radio in April.

Lord Kenneth Clark

If it were revealed that the man who educated a whole nation on the history of art via his groundbreaking BBC2 series Civilisation were paying for explicit photographs, Britain would be in shock. Galleries would be looted and burned in a return to the Dark Ages caused by this breach of trust. However his alibi of dying in 1983 is ironclad.

Whoever’s on BBC News 24 right now

Turn on BBC News 24 and enjoy the sheer relief on the face of whichever presenter is currently reading out headlines about a suspended presenter who is, by definition, not him. Watch out for various other news presenters in the background making their presence and therefore their innocence plain.

King Charles III

A Christmas Day fixture, pulling 10.6 million viewers last year, King Charles is ergo a BBC presenter who’s not presenting anything currently so could have been suspended. But he cannot possibly be the disgraced gentleman in question because the whole media would come together as one to make sure nobody ever found out.

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How to cope when you're still single and George Osborne is married

STILL on the shelf while George Osborne, of all the wankers, is happily married? Lie to yourself that this doesn’t reflect badly on you:

Be thankful you’re not him

Yes, George Osborne is now legally married but austerity led to the suffering of millions and you haven’t got that weighing on your conscience. You can sleep easy, and not just because you get the whole duvet. You didn’t drive children into poverty and cut all NHS pandemic preparation so who’s the winner now, Osborne?

Embrace your freedom

George Osborne’s days of cocaine and call-girls are over, while yours are yet to begin. You’ve got no missus or national media to worry about. It might be a mere narcotics-and-sex sticking-plaster over the emotional void in your heart, but most married people seem miserable too so it’s swings and roundabouts.

Make a list of your attractive qualities

Drawing a blank? Write down your greatest quality of all: you’re not George Osborne. You weren’t booed by a crowd of thousands at the London Olympics. You won’t be remembered by history as a morally bankrupt shithead who ran the economy into the ground while lining your own pockets. In comparison you’re an Adonis.

Resort to statistics

Cheer yourself up by remembering that George Osborne’s marriage flying to bits is a mathematical probability and he’ll have divorce papers, legalities to sort out, Just Stop Oil turning up at the decree nisi etcetera. You might not have love, but you haven’t got that shit in your future. If anything Osborne’s envious of you.

Re-read that email

Of course only wedding guests have seen the email and it’s impossible to find online. Anyway the media’s more interested in a BBC scandal about a man having inappropriate sexual contact with a teenager, which is terrible. But if you did happen across the contents of the email, you’d definitely feel grateful that you’re not him. And have never met him.

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