THROW a rock at your television and you’ll almost certainly hit someone wrong, but it takes a special set of skills to be right and still invite masonry-pitchers. Like these six:
Joe Wicks
You are well aware of the fact that when you get up off a sofa it sounds like an angry ghost punching a bag of Scrabble tiles on a bed of Spam. But he’s perky and annoying, and while he’s telling fast food companies they’re evil you strongly suspect he’s your girlfriend’s go-to sexual baseline while she begins to imagine she’s somewhere, anywhere, else.
Owen Jones
Interviewing Reform voters in the street and making them look thick is like using an AR-15 to shoot a shoal of brain-damaged fish in a barrel resembling the smoking area of a Wetherspoons. All Owen does is encourage their idiocy then grin smugly. Yes they’re dicks, but you spent the Brexit years dancing with pom-poms around Jeremy Corbyn.
Chris Martin
Lemmy never gave to charity, collected WWII memorabilia that leaned worryingly toward one side in particular and wrote Ace Of Spades. Chris Martin’s humanitarian work has saved millions, he lives in an authentically caring manner and has written songs that do not all sound like Ace Of Spades. But you prefer Lemmy. Such is the fickle nature of fame.
Zack Polanski
He can have as many good ideas about privatising one set of arseholes while properly taxing another set of arseholes as he likes. But he will never not be the bloke who tried to voodoo a woman into G-cup naturals, he will never not have been a Lib Dem and he will never not have the personality of a substitute drama teacher.
Piers Morgan
Hey, he got that bloke bang to rights on his show the other week, didn’t he? Made him look a right idiot. Anyway, here’s a clip of him pretending not to know what a pronoun is or why ordering your army to shoot children in the forehead is a bad thing. Not so much a stopped clock as a halted twat.
Greta Thunberg
The planet is dying, the point of no return was hurtled past years ago, rampant capitalism will not rest until the last breath of clean air is monetised, and nobody with the power to change it seems to care. We get it. You’re right. So can you please stop glaring at me like I’m in the middle of fisting a panda? F**king Scandinavians, always holier-than-thou.
