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Six things to think about that aren't Trump blowing Clinton

TRAUMATISED by the image of Trump giving Bill Clinton a blowjob, as suggested in recent Epstein file leaks? Drive it from your mind with these: 

A lovely sunrise

Nothing is more beautiful than waking up early and watching the sun begin its roseate journey over the horizon. It’s as majestic and humbling as life gets. It’s even better with a coffee cradled in your hands, perhaps made for by a lover after you spent the night together. Like Trump did for Bubba the morning after he blew him. Ah f**k.

Your favourite film

A classic movie on the big screen is the perfect escape from reality. The lights go down, the film starts, the world outside melts away and anything is possible. It probably felt like that on Epstein Island which is why Donald Trump was able to get on his knees and take Bill Clinton in his mouth without judgement and shit, you’ve done it again.

Kelly Brook on I’m A Celebrity

Buxom TV star Kelly Brook is as heterosexual as it gets. She’s so hot she still looks fit even when she’s smeared with jungle mud and eating insects. What you wouldn’t give for her to kiss you gently on the lips, undo her shirt and no, no, her face is turning orange, it’s wrinkling, it’s turning into HIS and now that fantasy is ruined by proxy.

Your job

Work is an effective way to focus your mind when you’re trying to suppress disturbing thoughts. Sitting at your work desk boosts your self esteem, too, making you feel like the president in the Oval Office but who’s that beneath the desk? Also the president, but a later one? Please God, why couldn’t it be Monica Lewinsky?

What to have for dinner tonight

Coming up with meal ideas is a daily chore. So why not just have hot dogs? You haven’t had them for years, but today you’re craving the popular American phallic meat tubes. Entering your mouth, spraying their juices down the back of your throat. Delicious. Not at all your subconscious crying out for help.

The piss tape

At this point, you have to fight fire with fire. The thought of POTUS 45-47 noshing POTUS 42 has to be obliterated with a more disturbing image. So remember: incriminating video footage of Russian prostitutes urinating on Donald Trump allegedly exists. Doesn’t that make the queasy, nauseous feeling in your stomach instantly go away?

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Are you rich but 'don't feel rich' so are deserving of all the sympathy in the world?

JUST 21 per cent of the UK’s top earners actually feel rich. The other 79 per cent, heartbreakingly, don’t. How can we all rally round to support them? 

Share your bank statements

When you’re earning six figures and have 200k in investments, it’s easy to feel everyone does the same. Intrusive thoughts about inadequate portfolios can be banished by the buoying financial records of a desperate individual who only has a positive balance for four days of the month and whose student loans are mounting. It’s the least you could do.

Tell a tale of woe

No need for mournful tones or exaggeration. Just recount, in perky, cheerful fashion, that you only have 16 years left on your mortgage so you should be able to retire at 63, assuming your parent’s house clears enough to pay for their care and there are no medical emergencies. When they ask ‘And this is your life?’ incredulously, smile and nod.

Reassure them they had to go private

Though they’d never admit it, inside every high-earner there’s a nagging voice saying ‘Am I a twat for paying £70,000 a year for school when others obtain it for free?’ Stories of your children’s daily beatings, illiteracy and failure to make a single friend whose father is a bond trader will console them immeasurably.

Crash your car into theirs

Sailing along in a Jaguar, inside a bubble of leather seating and Classic FM, the rich can fail to appreciate how good they have it. Running right into the back of them at the lights in your 2009 Fiat Punto will jolt them out of their misery, and seeing how much worse your ‘little runabout’ is for the collision will be a salutary reminder of how fortunate they are.

Mug them

They say you’re never as thankful for what you have as when you’ve suffered a loss, so snatching a watch, a phone or even a handbag from a wealthy individual might seem at first cruel but will soon have them counting their blessings. As they collect a crime number to claim twice what the item was worth on their insurance, they’ll feel richer than ever.

Post a copy of The Sun through their letterbox

There is no un-leveller greater than the tabloid of the lower classes. Horrified by its appearance on their doormats but obscurely comforted by its proletarian focus on ITV, boobs and each-way bets on dog races, even placing it in the recycling will make them thankful to be divorced from its a hateful world, and rich. As they deserve.

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