Six things you won't learn from the Britney book you wish you could

BRITNEY Spears’ book The Woman In Me is a fascinating indictment of the pressures of stardom, by all accounts. But there are some details you wish she would clear up.

What did she see in Justin Timberlake?

It must have been a bit weird going out with the boy she grew up in the Mickey Mouse Club with, like starting a serious relationship with your primary school ‘boyfriend’. And that’s without mentioning that he had a stupid bleached corkscrew perm, an embarrassing ‘blaccent’ and was a serial cheater. It does start to look as if the only thing Justin had going for him was being a good dancer.

Was that red latex catsuit a pain in the arse to get on and off?

The catsuit Britney wore in the video for Oops!… I Did It Again was instantly iconic and made a million teenage boys feel a bit funny in the groin region. But what we want to know now is whether it slipped on and off easily or whether it made loud farting noises as she tried in vain to pull it over her knees. Sadly, this question remains unanswered.

And what the f**k was with that Titanic reference in the middle of the song?

Another pressing query about Oops!… is why the hell it had an anomalous reference to the coeur de la mer necklace from Titanic shoehorned into it? Was it a genre-busting, self-referential comment on the nature of pop-culture phenomena? Or just an easy way to jump on the Titanic bandwagon? Probably the latter, but we’ll never really know.

Why all the double denim?

Britney has the misfortune to become famous at the turn of the century, when fashion travesties such as handkerchief tops, low-rise jeans and leather skirts were fashionable. She really leaned into the awfulness by going mad for double denim outfits, which usually matched with Justin Timberlake’s. Even allowing for the hideous looks of the time, it was bad.

Is Madonna a good kisser?

Madge loves to cause a stir, and she got Britney in on the act in 2003 when they had a kiss during a performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. Is Madonna good at snogging or is her sexy image just a big act and she’s got the charisma and moves of a dead fish? Sadly, Britney doesn’t go into details on this matter.

Is getting married in Vegas a laugh?

Getting married is a massive faff, so it’s easy to see the appeal of eloping to Vegas to tie the knot. But is going to a tacky chapel run by a weirdo in a bad Elvis wig a fun and romantic or tacky and hollow experience? To be fair, Britney has admitted that she got hitched to Jason Alexander because she was ‘very drunk’ and ‘bored’ so maybe she has cleared this one up after all.

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Man empowers women by splitting the bill

A MAN is fighting for female equality by always insisting on splitting the bill at the end of dates.

32-year-old Josh Hudson thinks women should be treated exactly the same as men by being asked to pay for their own meal and drinks after a dinner with him.

Hudson said: “I know it’s traditional for men to pay after a date, but those times have changed. Women don’t find it impressive, I’ve paid for countless bills and still been ghosted straight after I tapped my card.

“It used to be seen as chivalrous, but now it’s downright patronising. Think about the message it’s giving. By picking up the bill, I’m basically saying I don’t think my date can afford it, and thereby tacitly endorsing the gender pay gap.

“My dad said when he was dating in the 80s the only upside of getting the bill was that it guaranteed sex afterwards. But now that the promise of a gratitude shag has gone out of the window thanks to feminism, so has me shelling out for dinner.”

Lucy Parry, who recently went on a date with Hudson, said: “I never mind splitting the bill. What I do mind is wasting an entire evening on a creepy little dickhead like Josh.”