Daytime TV presenter sexual fantasies that suggest you need to get a job

RACHEL Riley wears sexy dresses on Countdown, but they’re not a strong enough excuse not to get a f**king job. Obsessed with these daytime hotties? You should lose your benefits: 

Susanna Reid

The siren song of Britain’s top MILF is so enchanting you’re prepared to put up with reactionary simpleton Richard Madeley talking shit next to her. If you’ve thought this through and consider it a reasonable trade-off, it may be time to break your addiction to daytime TV before you start agreeing with the borderline Nazis on Jeremy Vine on 5.

Gethin Jones

Former rugby player and Blue Peter presenter Gethin is one of several hot presenters on Morning Live. In fact the whole show is a fantasy shagfest if you’re into slightly dated celebs like Kym Marsh, Kimberley Walsh and Rav off Crimewatch. Despite all being slightly past their sell-by dates, none will be impressed by your sofa-and-Universal-Credit lifestyle, so it’s time for some life changes if you’re to fulfil your lifelong ambition of shagging Sara Cox.

Dermot O’Leary

Not a bad choice. Dermot is good-looking, quite funny and – unusually for a TV presenter – isn’t suspected of any sex crimes. Yes, he’s out of your league but if you get out there instead of watching daytime TV all day you might meet someone a bit like Dermot in looks and personality. Just make it clear that you intend to call him Dermot during lovemaking. That will be fine, men are very flexible about getting their leg over.

Laura Hamilton

In your fantasy you and Laura from A Place in the Sun are looking for a love nest in sunny climes, romantically calculating exchange rates and running costs. However, back in reality your Universal Credit of £92.20 a week is unlikely to stretch to a Greek villa, and Laura won’t want to live in Somalia. Not that you stand any chance of shagging her anyway. This fantasy has gone too far, so desist and use your time more productively on Totaljobs.

James Martin

Fantasising about James Martin is an urgent wake-up call, like blood in your stools. He’s the ultimate British everyman, cheerfully average with a growing paunch and ‘smart casual’ M&S shirts every man over 40 owns at least three of. You could be dreaming of relative hunks like Ben Shephard or Alex Beresford, but you’ve set your sights low, much like his James Martin’s Saturday Morning recipes for delicacies like liver and mash.

Rachel Riley

Despite her unhinged Corbyn obsession Rachel is extremely hot and blonde, and as such has a large following of perverts who film her arse when she’s doing sums and put it on YouTube. Is this what you aspire to be? Remember when you had dreams and ambitions? Switch off Countdown, stop wanking and become the man you’re meant to be. And no more fantasising about threesomes with Susie Dent. It’s not going to happen.

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Woman fakes entire relationship

A WOMAN has admitted that she faked the previous five years of an apparently satisfying relationship, it has emerged.

Despite looking and sounding like she was enjoying herself throughout, Nikki Hollis has revealed that she faked her whole relationship with Martin Bishop in order to get it over and done with.

She said: “All those dates in the early days? Fake. My wedding vows? Fake. The orgasms? Doubly fake.

“Martin’s a nice guy but he doesn’t know what he’s doing when it comes to relationships. If I hadn’t pretended to enjoy myself and let our sham love appear to peter out naturally, he might have tried to work on it, which would have been extra tedious for me.

“It was easy enough to do. I just had to laugh at his jokes every now and then, visit his family at Christmas, and tell him I love him on a daily basis. Men are pretty gullible like that.

“I don’t feel bad about doing it. Most women fake a relationship at least once in their life. In fact I’m yet to meet one who hasn’t tricked a guy with a full-blown romance just to get them off her back.”

Bishop said: “I blame myself for being so naive. Buying a house together and raising a family should have been a dead giveaway.”