Hipster teen has growing collection of obsolete MP3s 

A TEENAGE boy believes he is the coolest person in his university halls thanks to his arsenal of outdated digital downloads. 

Oliver O’Connor, aged 19, thinks vinyl has become so ubiquitous that it is no longer interesting and has started collecting illegally ripped early-2000s MP3s instead.

O’Connor said “If too many people enjoy something then it must be shit, which is why I have decided to become obsessed with a totally outmoded method of listening to music.

“It’s a bit tricky to show off about, as you can’t display MP3s on your wall like you can with record sleeves, so I’ve printed out screenshots of the digital files and stuck them up instead. I guess it’s like an ironic commentary on physical media. That’s what I tell people anyway.”

O’Connor has found that girls have mixed feelings about being asked to come back to his and sit around a tiny portable player sharing wired earphones while he rambles about his enthusiasm for pirated Avril Lavigne songs.

He said: “They don’t get it and just say it would be way easier to stream stuff on my phone. And I have to ask myself if I really want to be hanging out with people like that?

“I mean, obviously I do, they’re girls. But what would Bob Dylan think?”

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Man describing OnlyFans as ethical, artisanal porn

A MAN has confirmed that he prefers OnlyFans to sites like Pornhub because it provides him with ethical, artisanal porn.

Tom Logan believes anybody can knock one out over generic, off-the-peg, free porn, but OnlyFans provides something more for selective and thoughtful consumers like him.

Logan said: “OnlyFans lets me play a role in the design process and create something that’s bespoke and tailored to me, like asking a woman dressed as Princess Diana to perform a striptease on a trampoline.

“And I can send messages and build a personal connection with the content creator. I can write ‘Let me suck dem titties, babe’ and it feels just like having a chat with a stall holder at my local farmers’ market.

“You can really feel the difference when you’re consuming something made at home, helped by the satisfaction not just of an enjoyable five finger shuffle but of knowing that you’re helping an independent producer.

“I don’t want to think of a faceless corporate brand getting all the revenue from my hand shandy, but of a hardworking single mother who will use the money to buy oven chips or donate to the Labour Party.

“Is that fantasy some kind of sick kink? Hard to say, but it makes me feel less guilty about my prodigious porn habit.”