DUA Lipa is off the market. But do not let that deter you, an overweight man in Reading, from your quest to land a hot, high-earning pop princess. All these are still available:
Sabrina Carpenter
Riding high with hit after hit, but still hasn’t managed to snag herself a husband. Used to be with Barry Keoghan so unconventionally attractive isn’t a problem. Enter you, a middle-aged technical support engineer with no celebrity connections. She’ll love your grounded lifestyle and at five foot three you’ll tower over her. Slide into her DMs, king.
Lily Allen
Tread carefully with this future wife. Not because Lily Allen’s been on the receiving end of a particularly messy marriage, but because if you so much as forget to put the bins out it’ll be immortalised on a three-disc concept album putting your every flaw on blast. Still, Harbour’s set the bar low and she’s vulnerable. Try your luck.
Lady Gaga
Marriage? Far too conventional for Gaga. The idea of settling down with a morbidly obese unemployed South Shields man with a council flat and gambling debts? That’s a post-modern performance art piece and just her thing. Force yourself on stage at an arena show and get down on one knee. Play it cool when she says yes.
Ariana Grande
The singer and Wicked star appears to have it all, except for a dadbod husband with a receding hairline to come home to. You’re already there in terms of physique. All you need is to attract her attention, and your upcoming conviction for criminal damage and public urination should make headlines in the Southend Echo. She’s as good as yours.
Chappell Roan
Thinks she’s a lesbian, but only because she’s spent her life around Hollywood pretty boys and hasn’t met a real man with excess body hair, a flat above a chip shop and a 2002-reg Ford Ka. Send her a sexually explicit missive and she’ll soon wipe off the face paint and be down your local trying to catch your eye. Advise her to arrive before 6pm or you’ll be pissed.
Taylor Swift
She’s not married yet. There’s still a month to go, and if she wants a washed-up former footballer who spends all his time with his brother then you had trials for Oldham Athletic in 1998, and that’s proper football, love. Attracting her attention? The method you used to win your last girlfriend – writing graffiti on bus stops – worked last time. Why not now?
