Six weird celebrities you can't imagine at home celebrating Christmas

THIS is more than a time of peace and goodwill for nobodies like you – it is also Christmas for the stars. Though it remains hard to imagine these freaks doing it: 


Whatever plane of existence the Icelandic singer-songwriter resides in, it does not contain anything as mundane as the Doctor Who Christmas special. The Icelandic shrike-warbler spends Jesus’s birthday shrieking into a vortex and carving up an octopus before transforming into a cloud, which is a slow Monday.

Elon Musk

The world’s richest dickhead won’t waste X-mas, as he insists on f**king calling it, doing what the sheep do. Instead he’ll be tweeting, launching rockets, designing magnet hat urban rail submersibles and tweeting like a wanker. Morons will lap up his latest innovation of unleashing smallpo-X.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Surrounded by lit candles, the room rendolent of her lubricated pussy, Gwynnie will pretend to have a regular if lavish day and splash pictures of it over Instagram. In reality she’s like sacrificing a goat as part of a Satanic blood ritual, with celebrity guests Ellen DeGeneres and Kevin Hart.

Jamie Oliver

You think you know how Jamie Oliver spends Christmas. You’ve seen him thousands of times, sprinking fresh ‘erbs all over the bloody stovetop. But you don’t. That’s just telly. Doing that at Christmas would be like a working day for him. Instead he spends the day in darkness with strict orders not to be disturbed watching vintage 1930s pornography.

Liz Truss

Liz Truss is unaware what month it is, let alone the significance of today. Her keepers will treat her to an extra large portion of feed as a Christmas present, then she’ll while away the afternoon trying to figure out who that is in the mirror. After a few swings on her perch, they’ll put her cover on and she’ll fall instantly asleep.

Andrew Tate

The top G doesn’t celebrate Christmas. He’s got much more important shit to do like getting furious about pronouns and sex trafficking. After all, only brokies spend Christmas with their loved ones instead of cruising around in one of their many Bugattis. Or at least that’s what your poor, corrupted nephew has been tricked into thinking.

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Twat progressive kid asked for 'end to capitalism' for Christmas

AN irritatingly right-on child has asked for an end to consumer culture for Christmas, it has emerged.

Ten-year-old liberal smart-arse Joshua Hudson has defied the materialistic spirit of Christmas by asking Santa to dismantle capitalism and replace it with something more fair and equal.

He said: “Forget Fortnite skins or Spider-Man 2, I want a radical overhaul of our broken economic system. The elves in Santa’s workshop will be able to knock that up, right?

“I’ll leave the details to them, but so long as trade and industry are wrestled from the control of greedy private owners, I’ll be happy. They don’t even need to put it in a big box and wrap it, that would defeat the point.

“At the very least I want mum and dad to empty their bank accounts and burn all their money on a bonfire in a dramatic gesture. I’m sure they’d be well up for that.”

Dad Martin said: “The little shit’s checkmated us. He’s been good as gold all year so we have to at least pretend to deliver on this.

“Luckily, he’s bound to be bored of a communist society by Boxing Day, so he’ll begging us for the Lego City Arctic Base Camp we’ve already bought him.”