THIS is more than a time of peace and goodwill for nobodies like you – it is also Christmas for the stars. Though it remains hard to imagine these freaks doing it:
Whatever plane of existence the Icelandic singer-songwriter resides in, it does not contain anything as mundane as the Doctor Who Christmas special. The Icelandic shrike-warbler spends Jesus’s birthday shrieking into a vortex and carving up an octopus before transforming into a cloud, which is a slow Monday.
The world’s richest dickhead won’t waste X-mas, as he insists on f**king calling it, doing what the sheep do. Instead he’ll be tweeting, launching rockets, designing magnet hat urban rail submersibles and tweeting like a wanker. Morons will lap up his latest innovation of unleashing smallpo-X.
Surrounded by lit candles, the room rendolent of her lubricated pussy, Gwynnie will pretend to have a regular if lavish day and splash pictures of it over Instagram. In reality she’s like sacrificing a goat as part of a Satanic blood ritual, with celebrity guests Ellen DeGeneres and Kevin Hart.
You think you know how Jamie Oliver spends Christmas. You’ve seen him thousands of times, sprinking fresh ‘erbs all over the bloody stovetop. But you don’t. That’s just telly. Doing that at Christmas would be like a working day for him. Instead he spends the day in darkness with strict orders not to be disturbed watching vintage 1930s pornography.
Liz Truss is unaware what month it is, let alone the significance of today. Her keepers will treat her to an extra large portion of feed as a Christmas present, then she’ll while away the afternoon trying to figure out who that is in the mirror. After a few swings on her perch, they’ll put her cover on and she’ll fall instantly asleep.
The top G doesn’t celebrate Christmas. He’s got much more important shit to do like getting furious about pronouns and sex trafficking. After all, only brokies spend Christmas with their loved ones instead of cruising around in one of their many Bugattis. Or at least that’s what your poor, corrupted nephew has been tricked into thinking.