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Six Z-list celebrities you occasionally think about and wonder what they're up to

LOW-TIER celebrities do not cease to exist when they vanish from our screens. Occasionally you wonder what these ones are up to.

Handy Andy

Generously described by Wikipedia as a ‘television personality’, you dimly remember Handy Andy talking all cockney on Changing Rooms as he hurriedly f**ked up houses. But that was decades ago. What’s he been up to since? Lying low from all the people he pissed off with his slipshod carpentry? If he still had an agent you could reach out and ask.

Dappy

Dappy was the rapper in hip hop and grime trio N-Dubz, but all anyone really remembers him for is making a twat of himself on Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Public humiliation can’t keep paying out all these years later though, prompting you to wonder how he’s doing these days. Remarkably he reformed N-Dubz last year. Must have been a tough lockdown.

Levi Roots

Sometimes, when you can’t sleep, you remember that Levi Roots walked into a room, sang a song about a sauce with a silly name, then strutted out with enough money to last him a lifetime. Is that how you’re supposed to play capitalism? Was all your hard work and studying a massive waste of time? Because that’s how Levi Roots made you feel.

Nasty Nick

In the summer of 2000, Big Brother contestant Nick Bateman was all anyone talked about. He was on the cover of all the papers and the public foamed at the mouth for the duplicitous prick’s downfall. Nowadays he would struggle to land a non-speaking part in a regional panto. Still, you hope he’s learnt his lesson and is doing well.

Hans Blix

Hunky Swedish UN weapons inspector Hans Blix was rocketed to fame in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq. The bespectacled hero nosed around the country looking for weapons of mass destruction which everyone knew weren’t there, then we invaded anyway. Weird he’s not turned up on Dancing on Ice, but then he is 94.

Nicola Roberts

You remember, the redhead from Girls Aloud? You remember Girls Aloud, they won Popstars: The Rivals? You remember Popstars: The… forget it. Nicola Roberts was in a famous band and then she made some songs as a solo artist that barely charted. She won the first series of The Masked Singer though, which is more than you’ve done.

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How to shut up a friend who's training for the London marathon

IT’S less than a week away, and your mate who’s running it believes you need a full rundown of their marathon training schedule. Here’s how to shut that down:  

Don’t hide your boredom

Rather than bite down on yawns and make generic encouraging noises, show off how uninterested you are. While they drone on about hydration belts, start making a risotto, mop the floor, pop in some earbuds and call your mother. Whatever it takes to make them f**k the f**k off.

Go one up 

Unleash your most boring self. They show the lube they use to prevent chafing, you discuss Doctor Who chronology. They bang on about compression socks, you work through your favourite Fast Show sketches joke-by-joke. Conversation will soon judder to a halt, replaced by blissfully awkward silence.

Throw them off the scent

Close down shin-splints chat fast with a distraction; the more theatrical the better. Stage a catastrophe that means you have to vacate the room immediately: an earthquake, a cardiac arrest, the Queen’s ghost rampaging through the streets tearing apart children with her bare teeth. Or simply announce you shagged their partner in 2021.

F**k with their head

Counter their boasting by planting doubt. ‘What if you push yourself too hard?’ ‘What if you don’t push yourself enough?’ ‘What if you’re so focused on your time you get lost and end up in Acton?’ Invent tales of runners who trained for years and ended up lame for life because they wore the wrong shoes. Then kick back and enjoy the horrorstruck hush.

Physically attack them

If they continue monologuing about sweat-proof headphones, you’re within your rights to do whatever it takes to make it stop: a wireless keyboard to the face, hot tea to the groin, murder. If the police become involved, explaining what a dull insole-obsessed bore-bag you were faced with will ensure no jury can convict.

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