Britain must learn maths so we never again have another Truss

THE government has outlined plans to teach every teenager maths so we never again have anyone as innumerate as Liz Truss in our country. 

The prime minister will today announce that all pupils will learn maths up to 18 to ensure that even the lowliest arts worker is not so blind to numbers they crash the economy in 38 days in office.

Sunak said: “We have allowed Britain to become a nation of mathematical illiterates. And we have all suffered the disastrous consequences.

“Any ten-year-old should have known that cutting taxes and increasing borrowing in an inflation crisis would spark an economic death spiral. But because there’s no shame at being ‘bad at maths’ in this country, a 47-year-old professional woman had no idea.

“Our nation was run by people who, quite simply, could not add up. It cost the nation £35 billion, which, though you may be too ill-educated to realise it, is quite a lot of money.

“So from now on everyone must learn maths. Everyone will be tutored in the basics of calculation and taught that numbers do not behave just as you want them to, even if you are impeccably right-wing and high on your own bullshit.”

Susan Traherne of Hereford said: “If you’re so good at maths, how come you’re planning for years ahead when you’re 16 points behind in the polls?”

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Britain stares terrified at onrushing tsunami of Coronation bullshit

THE UK is standing petrified, transfixed by an onrushing tidal wave of Coronation bullshit which will soon drown us all. 

The entire country is staring aghast at a mounting influx of bollocks about an event which will affect none of our lives in any material way but will be all any of us are allowed to discuss or think about for weeks to come.

Donna Sheridan of Lancaster said: “It’s already begun. In the shops, on the telly, on our very crisps. So far it’s only ankle-deep. But the deluge is coming.

“Soon our homes will be awash with Coronation shite. EastEnders will have a special episode. This Morning will discuss little else. You’ll be sipping Coronation tea out of a Coronation mug with Coronation biscuits on the side.

“Your workplace will be alive with it. Schools will be obsessed. Bunting will appear. The street party, or the failure to organise a street party, will be the subject of outraged battles on every neighbourhood Facebook group.

“We will be castigated for not exactly replicating the joy and excitement of a 1953 event which septugenarians dimly remember from when they were children. We will be compelled to feign joy at a man who is already King being named King.

“Each and every one of us will soon be submerged in forced patriotism. It’s coming. It is too late to hide.”