Snorting Cocaine Better For You Than The 60-Piece Oriental Platter, Katona Tells Iceland

CELEBRITY hell-hole Kerry Katona has told Iceland that snorting cocaine in a sticky nightclub sets a better example than working your way through the 60 piece deep-fried Oriental party plate.

The ex-singer has been dropped by the frozen food supermarket amid tabloid newspaper allegations she was doing something healthier and more constructive than eating their products.

A spokeswoman for Katona said: "After spending four years encouraging people to buy Oblong Mashed Turkey Product, she thought it was time to do something for the next generation.

"Kerry does not want her children growing up on a diet of chicken drumshapes and deep-fried pig tubes when they could be spending the money on a class-A drug that will at least help to keep their weight down."

She added: "When Kerry was growing up in Warrington all the local kids would dabble in chicken nuggets but she saw far too many of her friends ending up on spicy dippers.

"She only appeared in the Iceland adverts so that she could raise enough money to buy some half-decent charlie and get her life back on track."

Tom Logan, a community worker from Toxteth, said: "Once Iceland gets its hooks into you it's only a matter of time before you're hoovering your way through a 60-piece platter. First the chicken, then the pork, and eventually the Oriental.

"And without proper support thousands of young people inevitably find themselves staring down the business end of a two-for-one prawn ring offer, at which point you may as well just sterilise them."

Iceland dismissed Katona's claims last night but offered to renew her contract if she agreed to block up her nostrils with a pair of deep-fried chicken goujons and breathe through her mouth.

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Usain Bolt Spotted In Victorian Photograph

AN inquiry has been launched after the world record breaking sprinter Usain Bolt was spotted in a 135 year-old photograph.

Officials at the International Athletics Association believe Bolt may now be travelling so fast that he is opening up a hole in the space-time continuum every time he runs.

An IAA spokesman said: "Our suspicions were first raised by the long trails of flame on the track at the end of each race.

"And some of the other sprinters reported that Bolt seemed to have grown a beard in less than 10 seconds, while others said he suddenly smelled of paraffin and, occasionally, whale oil."

He added: "At last month's Helsinki Grand Prix he started the race in shorts and a vest but for some reason, by the time he had crossed the line he was wearing a tweed suit, a starched collar and a bowler hat.

"We think he may have a job and a family in 1874 and is able to rip a hole in the fabric of space-time, go back and spend months or even years with them, before ripping a hole at that end and then finishing the race so it looks to us as if nothing has happened."

Bolt's rival, the American sprinter Tyson Gay, said: "I have noticed how he is constantly surprised by iPods and TVs and cars as if he doesn't really spend very much time in this century.

"That, and the fact that he smokes a pipe and and is always carrying a fresh copy of the Pall Mall Gazette."

But Bolt dismissed the claims, adding: "The chances of me being a time traveller are about as likely as that foolish Mr Gladstone winning a second term as prime minister."