Millions Pretend Football Means Something

MILLIONS of Englishmen have begun their annual ritual of convincing themselves that football is an essential part of who they are.

Across the country, pubs were filled with men, and a handful of annoying women, expressing tired, obvious opinions about semi-literate millionaires who see them as nothing more than sad, desperate cash machines.

Arsenal supporter, Tom Logan, said: "I read Fever Pitch about 15 years ago and decided that I should start supporting Arsenal because it would make me feel like a normal man.

"About three years in I realised that football was incredibly boring and meaningless, but found I was unable to escape even though I knew deep down I was spending hundreds of pounds a year on something that is basically for children."

He added: "Occasionally I would catch the eye of a friend and we would communicate silently our secret desire to talk about cooking or gardening, but then the moment would pass and I would say something unbelievably predictable about Robin Van Persie and then he would pretend to have an opinion about it."

Chelsea supporter, Charlie Reeves, said: "What I resent is those women who pretend to like football just so they can join in with the men. Surely they've got plenty of their own own empty, meaningless things to talk about."

The opening weekend of the season saw most of the same things happen again for the 184th year in row, although Arsenal's 6-1 victory away to Everton did cause eight million men to say 'bloody hell' in a loud voice before wasting an hour of their lives speculating on the future of someone called David Moyes.

Meanwhile Sky Sports has unveiled plans for more than 5000 hours of promotional films designed to trick you into believing that any of it matters in any way whatsoever.

A spokesman added: "We know how you pretend to feel about football, because we pretend to feel the same."

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British children now 92% ham

MOST British children under the age of 12 now consist mainly of ham, according to a leading health charity.

The World Cancer Research Fund said a typical UK child was made up of 91.8% ham, 4.3% cheese, 2.1% Fanta and 1.8% Wotsits.

A spokesman said: “We need to restore the ham-cheese balance and parents can help by not giving their child a large ham to take to school every day.”

The charity said parents are often unaware of the need to stop giving their children ham because they cannot understand what the child is saying because its mouth is too full of ham.

Kyle Stephenson, 11, from Doncaster, said between mouthfuls of ham: “I’m already carrying a schoolbag containing books, a pencil case and occasionally my PE kit, so I could do without having to carry a six pound ham as well.

“I also don’t want to grow up without having had the chance to eat a whole roast chicken or maybe even a leg of lamb.”

Meanwhile anti-ham campaigners are calling on Hollywood to remove ham from its family blockbusters.

Dr Wayne Hayes, director of Hamstoppers, said: “Why is it that GI Joe and Harry Potter are always guzzling great fistfuls of ham while Voldemort and the bad Transformers are always nibbling on radishes?”

But a spokesman for the British Ham Council said: “Ham is full of Vitamin C, Vitamin A and anti-oxidants, as well as incredibly generous amounts of salt.

“It’s like drinking a big, pink, solid glass of mango juice with extra fat.”