Stephen Fry refused to share his gak with Prince Philip

ACTOR Stephen Fry has admitted refusing to share his cocaine with a furious Prince Philip.

Fry described taking the drug in a toilet at a Buckingham Palace function: “There was an almighty banging on the door and a booming male voice said ‘Is someone doing bugle in there?’

“I opened the door to see Prince Philip looking really pissed off. ‘Have you got some gak, Fry?’ he demanded.

“Naturally I denied it, blaming my lengthy bathroom stay on digestive problems caused by all the pate and Duchy Originals biscuits they were handing out.

“Prince Philip narrowed his eyes at me, scrutinising my snow-capped nostrils for what seemed like an eternity.

“Then he stalked off, muttering something about selfishness being a serious breach of etiquette.”

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Golf ‘not good’

RYDER Cup fans have been warned that golf is a boring pastime for twats.

Like pinball for middle managers

The tournament attracted a global audience of millions who enjoyed seeing rich Americans getting crushed by defeat.

However experts have warned the public against participating in golf.

Psychologist Tom Logan said: “Once golf finds its way into a life, it claims it completely. Your friends are replaced by arseholes, your clothes by a clown’s, your speaking voice by a penetrating bray.

“You will never again receive a Christmas present, a birthday card, a moment of intimacy that is not golf-related. You will throw out all books in your house that are not about golf and refuse to drink any alcohol that has not been in a decanter.

“Golf will become your master.”

Roy Hobbs of Belfast said: “Not being a bellend, I’ve never known much about golf.

“But after this weekend I know the difference between a birdie and a bogey, and I’ve bought a £2,500 set of carbon-fibre golf clubs that came with free compulsory UKIP membership.”