Stevenage teenagers outraged at Lewis Hamilton's criticism of their beloved town

LEWIS Hamilton’s description of Stevenage as a slum has devastated the town’s proud teenagers, it has emerged.

A group of 13- to 19-year-olds gathered at the Hertfordshire town’s bus station agreed that the racing driver could not be more wrong about Stevenage’s marvels and wonders. 

Wayne Hayes, aged 15, said: “It’s not just the mayor who’s offended, though he’s a great guy who we’ve got a massive amount of respect for. 

“But why would Hamilton turn on Stevenage like that? See this town centre? First purpose-built pedestrianised shopping zone in Britain. How can that not make him proud? 

“Admittedly we’ve not got Marks & Spencer any more, but we’ve got a Primark, we’ve got a Card Factory, we’ve got Vision Express and Specsavers. I bet Monaco can’t offer that. 

14-year-old Mary Fisher said: “There must be something wrong with him to attack this place that’s grown and nurtured him. I plan to become a multi-millionaire myself but I’ll always stay right here where my roots are, in my beloved Stevenage.”

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Man would be meditating every day if wanking didn't exist

A 28-YEAR-OLD man would be meditating on a daily basis if only masturbation did not exist, he has confirmed.

Nurse Wayne Hayes said: “With a demanding job and all the mind-cluttering distractions of modern technology, I realised it was important to clear space in my morning for a meditation session.

“Unfortunately that space tends to be filling with wanking.

“I’ve tried meditating on how I can stop wanking, but that just makes me realise how much I prefer wanking to meditating, and then you can guess what happens next.

“I’ve tried reading some books of Zen proverbs but they don’t mention wanking at all. There’s a lot of stuff about observing the changing seasons, rivers and ‘oxen’, whatever they are, but that doesn’t really help.

“Perhaps wanking is a type of meditation. I tried it in the car the other day when I was stressed out and it did seem to help.

“I might make a ‘wanking mindfulness’ app, it could make lots of money then I could stay home all day. Meditating.”