Stop this display of ostentatious wealth, says Queen in massive palace, with her crown

THE Queen is believed to be outraged at Meghan’s £300,000 baby shower, from beneath her jewelled crown in one of her many palaces.

Meghan has faced criticism for the extravagant celebration and the Queen, who first paid tax on her £370 million fortune when she was 66 years old, is thought to be absolutely livid.

A Palace source said: “The Queen isn’t one of these celebrities who jets around the world living a party lifestyle, though she did mention the other day she’d like a new yacht.

“She was inspecting her art collection, conservatively estimated at £10 billion, when she heard about Meghan staying in a fancy hotel and eating an expensive dinner and went white.

“‘Does she think she’s one of these hip hop blingers like Mr Ice-T who sits on a bloody throne?’ she said, so shaken by the news she had to rest on one of her thrones for a second.

“She’s clearly having second thoughts about welcoming Meghan to the family. Not everyone can handle massive wealth with the same dignity as those born to it. Like Prince Philip, or Andrew.”

The monarch apparently regained her calm by remembering that £300,000 was less than her mother would lose in an afternoon at Ascot.

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May has weird dream where she's done no preparation for Brexit

THERESA May has had a classic anxiety dream in which she totally failed to do any preparation for Brexit, she has revealed.

The dream – of the type where the dreamer believes they are about to sit an exam but have not revised – made the prime minister extremely relieved to wake up and discover it was not real.

May said: “It was like one of those dreams where you’ve got A-levels the next day but you haven’t done the work and you know you’re going to fail.

“It was all very strange. I was sitting in a big corporate office and a Belgian man kept saying ‘Have you done your Brexit, Mrs May?’. I looked in my briefcase and of course there was nothing there.

“Then a younger man came in and said ‘No cake for you, Mrs May!’ and they laughed. It’s funny really how your sleeping mind can convince you this sort of ridiculous scenario is totally real.

“Then I noticed I wasn’t wearing any trousers so it must be a dream. I do remember seeing a calendar on the wall saying 29 March 2019, so I wrote that down in case it means something.”

May is currently due to meet EU leaders in Brussels to deliver her final attempt at a Brexit plan, at which point she will scream like a character in The Twilight Zone.