Where are you on the Brexit thickness scale?

HAVE you completely abandoned sense and reason over Brexit? Find out how you rate on the ‘Brexit thickness scale’ by seeing if you hold any of these views.

‘Politicians need to work together’

How exactly do you expect people to ‘work together’ on entirely incompatible things? You wouldn’t expect Mary Berry to work with James Dyson to bake a plastic cake that sucks up dust. Thickness level: 1

‘We must respect the referendum result’

A quick analogy: you book a family holiday to Somalia because it’s sunny and cheap. However, upon googling it you realise you will probably die. Then you pack your shorts anyway and hop on a flight to Mogadishu. Thickness level: 2

‘We have to leave to prevent riots by the far-right’

Utterly weird logic in which you immediately bow to a questionable threat you should resist anyway. Like letting a five-year-old drive off in your car because he threatened to duff you up. Thickness level: 3

‘Just get out now’

Repeated ad nauseum on BBC Question Time. Unfortunately the subtext is: “I have no interest in understanding this huge, idiotic mess I voted for.” Thickness level: 4

‘The EU is going to collapse’

Brexiters arrive at this conclusion by wishfully overestimating the importance of, say, the ‘gilets jaunes’. It’s like thinking Marvel is going to stop making superhero films because your mate Dave fell asleep during Ant-Man. Thickness level: 5

‘We’ll sort something out’

When optimism intersects with stupidity. We probably will ‘sort something out’, but what? Being murdered ‘sorts out’ your old-age care arrangements, but it’s not ideal. Thickness level: 6

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Look at the size of this f**king bee, say scientists

AN absolutely massive bee has been found in a remote region of Indonesia by a team of totally freaked-out entomologists.

The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, spotted the ‘utterly mental thing’ during a five-day trek through a jungle.

Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: “I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge fucking thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, ‘Dave, look at the size of that fucker!’ and Dave was like, ‘Jesus Christ, it’s a fucking monster!’.

“I shouted over to Stevie and Ben, I said, ‘get a look at this bastard’ and they’re like ‘no way man, that’s mental’ – they were totally freaking out.”

Professor Hayes added: “Ben was like, ‘that’s a bee, it’s totally a bee’ and I was going, ‘naah, it’s some kind of freaky seagull or a weird-looking, fucked-up bat.’”

Dr David Hobbs added: “Wayne said I should try and catch it, and I was like, ‘you fucking catch it’.

“So anyway, we tell Stevie that it’s his turn to catch something and he’s totally pissed off, but he tears after it anyway, shouting, ‘come here you dirty big bastard, I want to put you in a bottle’.”

Dr Steven McKay added: “We also found this manky little thing with huge fucking claws. Apparently it’s a beetle.

“Dave tried to give it a Monster Munch, but it wasn’t interested.”