Why I am leaving the Empire, by Darth Vader

TODAY is my last day at the Empire.

After almost 12 years, first as a summer intern, then in the Death Star and now in London, I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its massive, genocidal space machines. And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it.

The Empire is one of the galaxy’s largest and most important oppressive regimes and it is too integral to galactic murder to continue to act this way. The organisation has veered so far from the place I joined right out of Yoda College that I can no longer in good conscience point menacingly and say that I identify with what it stands for.

For more than a decade I recruited and mentored candidates, some of whom were my secret children, through our gruelling interview process. In 2006 I managed the summer intern program in detecting strange disturbances in the Force for the 80 younglings who made the cut.

I knew it was time to leave when I realised I could no longer speak to these students inside their heads and tell them what a great place this was to work.

How did we get here? The Empire changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and killing your former mentor with a light sabre. Today you can be promoted into a position of influence, even if you have a disturbing lack of faith.

When I first joined I didn’t know where the bathroom was, or how to tie my shoelaces telepathically. I was taught to be concerned with learning the ropes, finding out what a protocol droid was and putting my helmet on properly so people could not see my badly damaged head.

My proudest moments in life – the pod race, being lured over to the Dark Side and winning a bronze medal for mind control ping-pong at the Midi-Chlorian Games – known as the Jedi Olympics – have all come through hard work, with no shortcuts.

The Empire today has become too much about shortcuts and not enough about remote strangulation. It just doesn’t feel right to me anymore.

I hope this can be a wake-up call. Make killing people in terrifying and unstoppable ways the focal point again. Without it you will not exist. Weed out the morally bankrupt people, no matter how much non-existent Alderaan real estate they sell. And get the culture right again, so people want to make millions of voices cry out in terror before being suddenly silenced.

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Man somehow remembers school fondly despite hating every second of it

A MAN has given a glowing account of his school days that is very different to how his friends remember it.

Office worker Tom Logan told friends in the pub how much he had enjoyed school, apparently misremembering his academic and sporting ineptitude and massive unpopularity.

Logan said: “I had a great time. I’d love to go back. I even wonder what some of the old teachers are up to nowadays. Remember Mr Griffiths? What a character.”

However childhood friend Nathan Muir said: “Tom seems to have somehow forgotten he was shit at everything and not very popular. What was his nickname again? Oh yeah. ‘Twat’.

“I can’t remember him having any friends except that weird kid Colin. He definitely wasn’t ‘pretty good’ at football as he claims because he spent every match standing alone in goal. 

“Also Mr Griffiths who he so fondly remembers hated all children with a vengeance. I think he’s in prison now. There was an incident with a sheep.

“At least nowadays kids have technology to remind them how shit school was. Gavin Mack the bully would definitely have filmed himself rubbing a dead frog on Tom’s head.”

Logan added: “It’s no wonder they say it’s the best days of your life.”