Strictly, and five other activities Gareth Southgate is now exempt from

NOW he’s overtaken the Queen as the most adored person in the country, the England manager can leave these activities to lesser beings:

Jury service

Gareth Southgate now has a deep emotional relationship with every member of the English public, which would affect the process of any trial, therefore rendering him exempt from service. Not that anyone will ever feel the need to commit a crime again now that kind, wise Gareth is our leader.

Buying a pint

The England manager will never have to get his wallet out in a pub again as the public will insist on forcing multiple pints on him whenever he sets foot in any hostelry in the land. He’ll have no option but to purchase his own pub just to be able to have a nice, quiet drink with his missus.

Strictly Come Dancing

Southgate is now viewed by the general public as a cross between Jesus and Beyoncé, meaning his fame is so secure that he’ll never need to subject himself to a profile-boosting stint on Strictly Come Dancing. Instead he will graciously agree to star on Celebrity Bake Off for charity, because he is the purest being to ever walk the earth.

Starring in TV adverts

Lovely Gareth proved he had a sense of humour by starring in a Pizza Hut advert with Stuart Pearce and Chris Waddle that took the piss out of England losing in ’96. He’s beyond that now, and instead chooses to be walking, talking billboard for the joys of a sensible waistcoat for free, because he is an angel.

Talking about that f**king penalty

Southgate is the first England manager to get his team into a major football final since Alf Ramsey in 1966. Even if they ultimately lose, surely the poor bloke has now done enough to be able to put that unfortunate missed penalty behind him forever.

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Woman disappointed to have sex dream about her partner

A WOMAN who had a deeply erotic dream was disappointed that the other person in it was her boyfriend.

Lauren Hewitt awoke frustrated that of all the people in the world who could have featured in the wanton no-holds-barred dream it was the tedious man snoring next to her.

Hewitt said: “The dream could have featured any of my celebrity crushes: Harry Styles, Timothée Chalamet, Megan Thee Stallion. But no, it had to be Nathan.

“Mostly I have grim stress dreams about my teeth falling out, or missing the deadline on renewing my car insurance. I get about one sex dream a year, and now it’s been pissed up the wall on him.

“It was an absolute busman’s holiday. We’ve been together seven years and I’m sick of the guy. What’s worse is that the sex in the dream was better than in real life, so he’ll be even more of a disappointment now.”

Nathan Muir said: “I woke up during the night to hear Lauren muttering something in her sleep. I think it was ‘Forget it Nathan, just leave it.’

“Probably she was having a dream about me fighting some bloke for her, because that’s the kind of stud I am.”