Strictly to ditch the dancing and focus on the homewrecking

THE new series of Strictly Come Dancing will cut the ballroom dancing and concentrate on the contestants’ journey from happily married to adultery.

Producers have decided that 16 series of celebrities getting incrementally better at dancing are enough, while interest in whether a dancer can break a relationship in ten weeks remains sky-high.

Producer Denys Finch Hatton said: “See one American Smooth, you’ve seen them all. But the first accidental brush of a satin-clad buttock with an open palm that leads to adultery? TV gold.

“We’ll still be doing the dancing, but we’ll only show sexy montage close-ups and focus on flirtatious conversations, knowing silences and long Skype calls with partners assuring them nothing’s wrong.

“The judges will emain an integral part of the competition, but rather than scoring the dancing they’ll score the sweaty cheating sex. Just wait for what Bruno Tonoli says about David James’s ‘clumsy and insincere’ foreplay.”

Strictly professional Tom Logan said: “I’m going all out to win this year and I’m not going to let Anneka Rice’s husband stand in my way. Cha-cha-cha.”

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Parents sobbing tears of joy at Back to School display in M&S

A GROUP of parents have been unable to hold back their tears of delight at the Back to School display in a Marks & Spencer.

The uniform aisle has become a place of pilgrimage for parents seeking solace in the fact that soon their beloved children will be someone else’s problem.

Mum of four Susan Traherne said: “There’s no more soothing combination of words in the English language than ‘Back to School’. Or ‘Back 2 Skool’, I’m not fussy.

“Any time I get a spare minute I slip to Marks’s and just stand there, gazing at the mannequins in school uniforms, picturing how sweet that moment will be.

“I’m never alone. There’s always at least one other haggard soul clutching overpriced PE kit, muttering ‘we took them all the way to Italy and they just stared at their phones’. We feel the same pain.”

Eight-year-old Ryan Traherne said: “I found a kind of ‘Back to School’ advent calendar in mum’s room with every day since I broke up crossed off on it.

“For September 2nd there’s a little door with a miniature bottle of gin inside.”

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