THE new Sun on Sunday will continue the story of star-crossed lovers Cheryl and Ashley Cole from last year’s cliffhanger ending.
The front page of the penultimate News of the World, published in June 2011, revealed the surprise twist that Ashley had been invited to his ex-wife’s birthday party, where she had given him a lapdance.
But since the newspaper’s closure an avid public has been largely ignorant of the couple’s relationship, its only source of updates being gossip magazines whose journalism falls well before the rigorous standards of News International.
As speculation about the couple grows, T-shirts with the slogans Don’t Do It Chezza and I Believe In Second Chances have already been worn by Chris Martin of Coldplay and the entire Chelsea team, while a punter thought to be a member of the Royal Family placed a £100,000 bet on them remarrying in 2012.
Rupert Murdoch, announcing the launch of the Sun on Sunday last week, said: “The nation has been on tenterhooks.
“Can Ashley change? Can Cheryl trust him again after his affairs? The answers will surprise you – and they’re exclusive to the Sun on Sunday.”
Beauty therapist Donna Sheridan said: “I haven’t able to eat or sleep for worrying about Cheryl. Surely she can’t fall for his lies again, but how can she turn her back on the love of her life?
She said: “There have been stories in the Star, of course, but they just make up any old shit to sell papers. I know that the Sun on Sunday will go to any lengths, whether paying prostitutes, taking illegal telephoto lens pictures on private property, or hacking phone messages, to get the truth.
“Apparently the next revelation will be that Ashley has two penises – one good, one evil.”
Besides the greatest love story of the modern age, the Sun on Sunday is also expected to contain football, jingoism and bingo. And tits.