Taliban had no idea British Army was killing them until Harry's book

THE Taliban have confirmed they never suspected that the British Army was deliberately killing them until Prince Harry’s book Spare. 

The fundamentalist Islamic regime, which resumed ruling Afghanistan the minute Britain left, had charitably assumed that the deaths of more than 50,000 of its fighters were the kind of mishap that takes place during war.

But when Taliban leader Anas Haqqani was perusing his Daily Mail, he realised that the Duke of Sussex had been not just shooting missiles from a helicopter gunship as warning but deliberately to harm.

He continued: “Well the cat’s out of the bag now, isn’t it? And to think we had such faith in the good intentions of the British we wrote all those deaths off as accidents.

“We’d shoot at you, you’d shoot at us, it was all in good fun or so we thought. Until Harry’s shocking admission that puts the entire 20-year conflict in a new light.

“25 of our men murdered. And what if it wasn’t just him? What if it wasn’t just a rogue Prince chalking up kills to juice up his memoir? What if the whole Army was killing us on purpose?

“No. No, I can’t believe that. The rest of them are decent people. It was just that backstabbing bastard Harry.”

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Divorced couple renew vows of eternal hatred

A COUPLE are celebrating ten years since their divorce by renewing the vows of undying emnity they made on the day. 

Tom Logan and Hannah Tomlinson have gathered family and friends to once again swear their sacred commitment to loathe each other until they die.

Hannah said: “Whenever I see Tom, the years roll away and I see the toxic, manipulating piece of shit who I was sundered from forever on that magical, blessed day.

“We’re not like other divorced couples. For them, the embers of hatred merely smoulder. Our relationship’s still aflame with grudges. The passion never went away.

“The whole screaming match will be held at the county court, with all our nearest, dearest, and the solicitors who represented us through the lengthy and bitter process. The event will be heavily policed.

“I can’t wait to reaffirm the deep detestation I still feel for Tom every single day, the sentient landfill of shit. There will also be a table set aside for gifts.”

Guest Martin Bishop said: “Thing is, when celebrities renew marriage vows it’s a precursor to splitting up. I hope to f**k Tom and Hannah don’t get back together.”