Tarantino sues himself for plagiarism

PULP Fiction director Quentin Tarantino is suing himself for writing a screenplay clearly derivative of his earlier work.

Tarantino’s new script, Snappy-Dialogued Revenge Bloodbath, has been published online for the minuscule audience of people who’d rather read instructions of how to make a film than watch one.

The director has responded by issuing legal proceedings against himself for “shamelessly ripping off” his innovative earlier films.

He said: “The scene where a gay matador beats a cowboy to death with a baseball bat in slow motion? Mine.

“The subsequent scene where that same cowboy, except he’s still alive because this is six weeks earlier, shoots dead everyone in a planetarium to the sound of Axel F? Mine.

“The scene where the gay matador and the cowboy play Russian roulette while discussing the films of Howard Hawks? That one’s from a movie by Takeshi Miike, but it was my idea to re-envision it.

“This entire script is nothing but a patchwork of things from cult movies, fetishised violence and meandering conversations about pop culture. It’s like every page is branded with the initials ‘QT’.

“Though I do appreciate that the writer’s put in a small part for me, which is nice because I am quite underrated as an actor.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
When the people at either end of the skipping rope have the handles up their arses, it’s known as ‘Double Dutch’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you play the film Gandhi backwards and watch a zombie rise from the grave to enslave the whole of India.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Those pictures where people recreate photos from their childhood are cool but you’re not sure you’d want to be repeatedly stabbed in the leg with a compass again.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Browsing on Google Earth, you discover there’s an island inhabited entirely by actresses called Jennifer known as the Jennifer Colony.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Following other shows like Jump, Splash and Dancing On Ice where celebs recreate Olympic events, you write to Channel 4 about a show called ‘Osborne’ where 50,000 people boo them in an arena.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Friday your girlfriend will dump you because you’re going bald. Her loss.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you will take a satisfying final gulp from your beer, only to see there’s another unsatisfyingly small gulp left in the bottom.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re justifiably proud of “never shitting on your own doorstep” but that is no excuse for what happened on those other 43 doorsteps.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s been a difficult year so far but that’s all due to change this week, from ‘difficult’ to ‘surprising amount of random assaults’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Everyone says you look just like your dad, much to the relief of the best man at his wedding.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
With the death of Pete Seeger this week, you feel it’s an apt time to find out who on earth he actually was.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The views expressed herein do not reflect the views of the cosmos, God, Buddha, Vishnu or Psychic Bob.