Recession preferable to smug Osborne

GRINDING financial hardship is preferable to seeing George Osborne looking pleased with himself, Britons have decided.

As the chancellor takes credit for Britain’s recent economic growth, most people now wish the economy had got worse, or better still collapsed altogether.

Factory owner Julian Cook said: “Any pleasure I felt about the economy finally improving was immediately cancelled out by the sight of that knob-nosed twat gleaming with pride.

“Signing on forever, or being forced to work in an underground factory like the morlocks in The Time Machine, would have been preferable.”

Graphic designer Nikki Hollis said: “After seeing Osborne looking like a dog with three dicks on the news, I’ve started praying there’ll be another Great Depression.

“That’d wipe the smile off his plump, weirdly girlish lips. Rummaging through bins for scraps of food or fighting over a delicious rat would be a price well worth paying.”

Economists believe that any further growth should be accompanied by a pledge by Osborne not to smile, grin or do that thing of throwing his head back slightly and laughing with his mouth open.

Professor Denys Finch Hatton said: “As an economist, I never thought I would be in favour of South American-style hyper-inflation so that a loaf of bread costs three million pounds.

“But if that’s what it takes to make Osborne look miserable and worried like he used to, fine.”

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BBC teases image of Peter Capaldi's mug

THE BBC has released an exclusive picture of new Doctor Who Peter Capaldi’s mug.

As the corporation stokes excitement with a constant flow of Capaldi information, fans are feasting their eyes on the drinking vessel that the actor uses between takes.

36-year-old Whovian Tom Logan said: “It’s more curvaceous than I expected, and the ‘Tea’ logo with the letters at funny angles is very unusual.

“It suggests that the new Doctor will have a quirky sense of humour and be a sensualist with an appreciation of the female form.”

Who fan Emma Bradford said: “Looking at the mug, it’s easy to imagine Peter Capaldi enjoying a variety of drinks from it.

“Tea, obviously, but also coffee and the occasional hot chocolate for a treat. Maybe even water.”

The BBC refused to confirm where the mug was Capaldi’s personal property or one of a mismatched ‘pool’ of mugs provided by on-set caterers.

A spokesman said: “To find out you’ll have to watch the forthcoming BBC2 four-part special Capaldi’s Mug.”