Angry Birds admits to being Islamo-fascist boot camp

The makers of Angry Birds have admitted that the game is a virtual training camp for militant Islam.

Following an undercover operation by America’s National Security Agency, developer Rovio revealed it was secretly based in the Pakistani city of Peshawar and its chief executive now has a drone hurtling towards his face.

A Rovio spokesman said: “We believe that pigs are unclean animals, just like you are. So, in the game, the pigs represent you and your perverted western desires.

“We are the beautiful birds with genuine grievances that will bring your society crashing to the ground.

“It helps to strengthen the ideological commitment of our trainees, while also being fun.

“We were going to call the game ‘Perverted Western Desires’ but we thought that would be a bit of a giveaway.”

Nikki Hollis, from London, said: “To me it’s just a thing I do for hours on end when I’m supposed to be working.

“But now you mention it, I have been drinking less and thinking that all my friends are total sluts.”


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Afterlife 'bins day is Tuesday'

A MAN who had a near-death experience has returned with a refreshingly detailed account of the afterlife.

38-year-old Tom Booker emerged from a coma to report on previously unknown aspects of the afterlife, such as whether there are cars.

He said: “It also frustrated me that people just mentioned ‘lights’ and ‘a tunnel’ so I’m glad to set the record straight on a few things.

“In the afterlife everyone drives Toyota Corollas. Not sure why.

“The houses are modest three bedroom affairs, all identical, like a council estate or cheaper private housing development. But they’re fine, you get a fridge and washing machine.

“Shopswise I saw a Lidl, also a Benetton and they still have Tie Rack which I thought was interesting.

“One of the main issues is parking because people keep dying.

“I don’t know what else to say really. It was alright.”