THEY say ‘don’t meet your heroes’, but rarely continue ‘because you’ll make a twat out of yourself and cringe whenever you see them on telly’. Expect these conversations:
Telling them their name
Always great to start with ‘you’re Nicholas Cage!’. Contrary to popular belief, celebrities don’t often know their own names, so this will be a great reminder. Plus, it will get the exchange off to a wonderfully stilted start as he replies ‘yes’.
Telling them their credits
The only thing celebrities are less familiar with than their own name is their greatest accomplishments. Christina Aguilera may well have completely forgotten she ever recorded Genie in a Bottle, despite having sung it more than 5,000 times.
Pretending to love their work
Twenty seconds into raving about what a huge fan you are, it will dawn on you that you don’t actually like anything they’ve done. But you can’t say that, so now you’re telling Justin Hawkins that the Darkness’s career-killing bomb of a second album is your favourite because you can’t remember the name of their first.
Awkward expectant pauses
After such a witty start, the conversation will inevitably ground to a shuddering halt. This is where you’re expecting Sally Hawkins to step up and recognise that you’re the best friend she’s been waiting for all her life, but all you’re getting is awkward silence. Maybe saying ‘I was so pleased when you won the Oscar’ will fill the gap? Except she didn’t?
Asking for a selfie
With nothing left to give, including your dignity, you will inevitably ask for a picture together. Just hope the 39-year-old woman you’ve called ‘Sonia from EastEnders’ will pity you enough, and want the full-stop it will give to the interaction enough, to say yes.
Nothing
Of course, the above will rarely happen because more times than not you’ll be too scared to say anything. Instead, you’ll stare at them, take a discreet blurry picture to send to your mates, and maintain your delusion that you would have hit it off if you’d gone over to say hi.
