Telling them their name: six conversations you've had with celebrities

THEY say ‘don’t meet your heroes’, but rarely continue ‘because you’ll make a twat out of yourself and cringe whenever you see them on telly’. Expect these conversations:

Telling them their name

Always great to start with ‘you’re Nicholas Cage!’. Contrary to popular belief, celebrities don’t often know their own names, so this will be a great reminder. Plus, it will get the exchange off to a wonderfully stilted start as he replies ‘yes’.

Telling them their credits

The only thing celebrities are less familiar with than their own name is their greatest accomplishments. Christina Aguilera may well have completely forgotten she ever recorded Genie in a Bottle, despite having sung it more than 5,000 times.

Pretending to love their work

Twenty seconds into raving about what a huge fan you are, it will dawn on you that you don’t actually like anything they’ve done. But you can’t say that, so now you’re telling Justin Hawkins that the Darkness’s career-killing bomb of a second album is your favourite because you can’t remember the name of their first.

Awkward expectant pauses

After such a witty start, the conversation will inevitably ground to a shuddering halt. This is where you’re expecting Sally Hawkins to step up and recognise that you’re the best friend she’s been waiting for all her life, but all you’re getting is awkward silence. Maybe saying ‘I was so pleased when you won the Oscar’ will fill the gap? Except she didn’t?

Asking for a selfie

With nothing left to give, including your dignity, you will inevitably ask for a picture together. Just hope the 39-year-old woman you’ve called ‘Sonia from EastEnders’ will pity you enough, and want the full-stop it will give to the interaction enough, to say yes.


Of course, the above will rarely happen because more times than not you’ll be too scared to say anything. Instead, you’ll stare at them, take a discreet blurry picture to send to your mates, and maintain your delusion that you would have hit it off if you’d gone over to say hi.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Patriarchy collapses after teenage boy paints nails

THE social system which benefits men has come crashing down as a 15-year-old boy has decided to lacquer his nails with coloured varnish.

Jack Browne has single-handedly ushered a new age of tolerance and equality by painting his fingernails in primary colours, an act usually associated with female appearances.

Browne mumbled: “As soon as the last nail was done I heard the bells ring out. Women poured into the streets and started hugging each other with tears of joy streaming down their faces, all thanks to my one act of gender nonconformity.

“I looked at the news and saw progress on the march. The gender pay gap had vanished, Roe v Wade was once again ruled law by the US Supreme Court, and white van drivers forever renounced cat-calling. Not bad for five minutes work.

“Dad struggled with my revolutionary act, not because he refuses to be an ally, but because he tried a similar stunt during his Adam and the Ants phase and lost his nerve halfway through.

“Mum’s less pleased, because it was her nail varnish, it costs £17 a bottle and I got some on my duvet, but there are always those who progress leaves behind.”

Society was reset to its unjust patriarchal model when Browne met his mates at the skatepark, a girl told him he had ‘done a shit job’ of his nails and he called her ‘a slag’.