Thank you so much for drawing attention to me, Cameron tells Murray

DAVID Cameron has thanked Andy Murray for throwing him under a bus at Wimbledon yesterday.

The new champion celebrated his second Wimbledon victory by pointing at the outgoing prime minister, reminding everybody who he was and what a ‘difficult’ time he had had lately.

Cameron said: “Fifteen thousand posh people pissed on Cava who’ve had their savings fucked into a skip in the last fortnight while I have to sit there looking like I’ve just eaten the world’s biggest bowl of shit.

“Yeah, that’s exactly how I wanted to spend my Sunday afternoon on one of the last of these jollies I’ll get to go on, pal. Cheers. Why not remind everyone how I’m mates with Rebekah Brooks while you’re at it?

“Blair never got this shit with Henman.”

He added: “I just want to keep my head down, work my notice and go eight seconds without somebody reminding me I’m a twat.”



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I’m not nasty, I’m just shit at this, insists Leadsom

ANDREA Leadsom has apologised for her controversial ‘motherhood’ comments, insisting she just has incredibly poor judgement and no empathy for other people.

The Tory leadership candidate stressed that although she was quoted accurately by the media, it was only because she does not have the faintest idea what she is doing.

She added: “I am obviously terrible at every aspect of this.

“But I do believe I can unite a fractured country by speaking out against gay marriage, helping rich people to kill more foxes and ensuring my friends in the City can continue to do whatever they want.

“And I can do all of this in a way which will come across as really mean, but is actually just stupid and unprofessional

“Vote for me.”