Thatcher's clothes to be sold off to millionaire men who will wear them

BARONESS Thatcher’s iconic outfits are to be auctioned off to old, rich men who will put them on in front of full-length mirrors.

More than 300 power suits will be sold to men who claim to be buying them for their historical relevance but will be parading up and down the bedroom in them before nightfall. 

Julian Cook, CEO of a privatised water company, said: “Lady Thatcher is the saviour of Britain, and if I win her flattering, figure-hugging Aquascutum skirt and jacket I shall simply put them on a plinth.

“I definitely won’t put them on to feel her dark sexual energy coursing through my veins. 

“As for the handbag I’m bidding on, I strongly deny that I will be repeatedly slamming it shut on my genitalia while hissing ‘Thank you, prime minister.'”

The prize item is a twin-set and pearls made from the hides and teeth of striking miners, only previously worn at private functions. 

Auctioneer Stephen Malley said: “We’ve taken so many calls asking if they’d fit a 36R suit size we’ve had to put the information on our website. 

“Though all the underwear already comes with a tuck-pocket for the penis. We’re not entirely sure why.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Fog inspires shit poem

A MAN has written a poor quality poem about the fog.

Engineering contractor Wayne Hayes was inspired by the swirling cloud that enveloped the road on his commute to work.

Hayes said: “There’s something about fog that really makes you think, so I decided to write a poem about it.

“It’s called Fog.”

The poem uses the word ‘fog’ as a rhythmical device: ‘Fog/What is it? Where is it from?/Fog/Where does it belong? It seems so wrong?/Fog.’

In a later verse, Hayes ponders the longevity of the weather phenomenon: ‘Fog/Will it go away? Or will it stay, for another day?/Fog.’

Hayes said: “I’ve read it to my wife, who said it was great, and also sent it to the local paper who are considering it for publication.

“I’m going to quit my job today and become a full-time wordsmith.”