DO you want to hear ghoulish, salacious Royal gossip but there’s no way you’re reading a book by Earl Spencer? Here are the best bits condensed for your puerile tastes.
Sex between Charles and Diana was terrible
Charles privately admitted he did not love Diana, and she sensed it. Her intuition proved right – Charles would reluctantly initiate lovemaking with the words ‘Come on, let’s get it over with’. More used to spending time with polo horses than women, he would then offer her a carrot afterwards.
Charles went go-karting on the day of Diana’s death
Upon learning of the death of Diana, Charles immediately booked a trip to a local go-karting track. When Earl Spencer told him he considered this inappropriate, Charles merely said: ‘Lighten up, we’ve all got to go sometime.’ He then cut short the phone call, saying he had to take delivery of several crates of champagne and ‘get the party started’.
The offer to restore her title was an insult
After Diana’s death, the Queen offered to restore her title, a well-meaning but pointless gesture. But in fact evil Charles was going to reveal that the title they would be offering was one he had made up himself: ‘Diana, Princess of Slags’. The offer was rejected.
Diana had many previously unreported lovers
Diana had well-publicised affairs with James Hewitt and others, but in the 80s and 90s there were many more lovers the public were unaware of: Limahl, David Jason, Colonel Gaddafi, Tony Blair and Mike Edwards of Jesus Jones. Some of these relationships were serious – Diana confessed to her brother that she always regretted not marrying MC Hammer.
Harry’s real father is Ed Sheeran
This is common knowledge to Royal insiders like Earl Spencer, but Harry was the result of a 1983 holiday romance in Ireland between Diana and singer Ed Sheeran, who is much older than he looks. The truth was covered up to protect the monarchy, but now a long-standing mystery is finally solved – the identity of the woman in Galway Girl.
Charles was in a sexual relationship with a tomato
Charles’ relationship with plants went further than talking to them. On one occasion he confided in Earl Spencer that potatoes were ‘frigid bitches’ but he’d met a tomato who was ‘a real goer’. The Earl left when Charles suggested a threesome with a lettuce.
Prince Andrew is the rightful King of England
Andrew is actually the oldest of the Queen’s children, but was moved down the line of succession because Prince Philip felt he was a ‘wrong ‘un’. Now the truth has been revealed Charles must abdicate to allow the reign of King Andrew I to begin. It is unlikely to be popular with the public, but when you’ve got a medieval monarchy in 2026, them’s the rules.
