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Bitching more effective than confronting, scientists confirm

COMPLAINING about people behind their backs yields better results than talking to them directly, scientists have found.

Research showed that while being more cowardly, bitching is a safer way of venting your frustration than telling someone how awful they are to their face, which could get you punched or fired.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Evidence suggests bitching is an evolutionary advantage. None of our ancestors ever got mauled for secretly slagging off a predator.

“Bitching is probably why humanity learnt to talk in the first place. Not to express needs or abstract thoughts, but to mock the sabre-toothed tiger skins the neanderthals in the cave next door are wearing. Civilisation as we know it has these snide comments to thank.

“However confrontation escalates until one side backs down or dies. The only risk associated with bitching is when someone grasses you up. And even then you can lie your way out of it if you’re a nasty little creep.”

He added: “Plus you can bitch from the comfort of your sofa with a big bottle of wine. What more proof do you need?”

Researcher Nikki Hollis said: “We’re confident our findings are accurate. Unless Donna f**ked up her data again, but what do you expect from a lazy cow like her?”

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Seven legitimately insane thoughts you have when taking a day off sick

RESEARCH has found that the older you are, the guiltier you feel about taking time off sick. And it can definitely cause some deeply irrational thoughts, like these:

‘It’s morally wrong’

Does taking a day off sick even count as a moral or immoral act? Not unless you’re skiving off to commit a murder, in which case you’ve got more to worry about than what your boss thinks. Also, disposing of a body would be horrendous with this cold.

‘I must sound ill on the phone’

When phoning in sick, it’s almost impossible not to put on a feeble voice and give a little cough to prove your case. It’s unnecessary and frankly a bit silly. What’s next? A video call while you’re sitting on the toilet making vile noises to prove you’ve got a tummy upset?

‘Will I get the sack?’

The classic paranoid sickie thought. Get a grip and imagine your boss explaining it to their boss: ‘A staff member I have no real complaints about, who takes a normal amount of time off sick, claimed to have a flu-like illness common in the UK, so I fired them.’ ‘Excellent work, Emma, that’s how to run an effective business.’

‘I am betraying my co-workers’

Yes, Gavin and the others are heroically battling through a normal workload while you fail to do your duty like a coward. Oh, hang on, you’re an office worker, not a squaddie abandoning your mates to die in a Taliban attack. You wouldn’t need to lose weight if you were.

‘Will someone come and check on me?’

Might your boss dispatch a colleague to your home? Not unless they are deranged and seriously overstaffed, and even then it’s probably illegal harassment. Your ill, paranoid brain can’t accept this, so you do the sensible thing of sitting away from a window and trying to look miserable instead of laughing at the comforting YouTube shite you’re watching.

‘I wish I had a more serious illness’

Are you ill enough to justify taking time off? It’s a question you’ll be obsessed with for hours, until you wish you were suffering from something clear-cut like a broken leg. Hopefully your next sickie will be the result of being hit by a car, you reason. Your horrific injuries will mean you can relax then.

‘They’ll discover they don’t need me’ 

Could your job actually be done by your colleagues, and you’re paid tens of thousands of pounds a year unnecessarily? Clearly ‘yes’, because modern companies are notorious for employing way more staff than they need. That’s why they keep you entertained at work with dancing girls and an office jester.

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