WAKING up with a hangover so raging it has been declared a national emergency, I quaff several gallons of water to control the unfolding crisis.
It is not long until I’m disturbed by a knock at the door at the unreasonable hour of 11.53am. It turns out to be the Prime Minister, Mr Burnham.
‘Mr Burnham,’ I drawl, my breath wilting the nearby foliage. ‘Didn’t get fired over all that prisoner stuff then?’
‘Not yet! I’m still in Number 10 North.’
‘Not Northern enough,’ I snapped. ‘You’ve put it in North West England, somewhere in the centre, which typifies your twattish politics. If you were serious, you’d situate it in the fucking Orkney Islands.’
‘Speaking of Number 10, I wanted to run another big, bold policy idea by you. How about we reduce the number of cones on Britain’s motorways.’
‘And how are you going to pay for that?’
‘By cutting the current scheme to send free pencil cases to Third World schools.’
‘Fucking pathetic.’
‘We can keep the Third World pencil cases scheme if you like?’
‘Paid for how?’
‘By, er, cancelling the big, bold motorway cones plan.’
And so, following the satisfaction of kicking an idiot’s arse down a stairwell, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that singer Boy George has penned a pro-Israel, genocide-denying single titled Od Nirkod (We Will Dance Again), featuring such lyrics as ‘I stand with the Jews’ and ‘You say genocide, I say war.’ The lyrics were composed using AI.
Jesus fucking cuntache, are you out of your fucking poisoned mind? You seriously fucking think kids in Tel Aviv are cowering indoors, that club nights have been cancelled like it’s lockdown, in case Hamas launch another assault? Have they fuck! I’ll tell you where no one is fucking dancing and that’s fucking Gaza! ‘I stand with the Jews’! Oh, you mean Jews like Michael Rosen, Miriam Margoyles and Alexei Sayle? Or are they the wrong sort of Jew? You’ve thrown away what’s left of your wretched, sorry-arsed career with this sick stunt for which you couldn’t even be arsed to come up with the words for, you profoundly ignorant fucking twat!
In the Telegraph, David Goodhart has written a piece titled ‘It is not necessarily bigoted to want to preserve a majority white Britain’. He argues that too much integration ‘threatens our distinct way of life.’
Not necessarily bigoted? Oh yes it fucking well is, you bigoted-as-fuck piece of racist, bigoted, bigotry-spouting piece of scum! What the fuck is this, the late 70s? What’s the fucking danger? Crown green bowling clubs overrun by reggae sound systems? Morris dancers threatened with fatwas for breaking Sharia law? ‘Distinct’ way of life? Well, if that means fucking boiled beef and carrots and a Britain that resembles a fucking 1970s book cover you can fucking well keep it!
Fifa president Gianni Infantino has announced a plan to sell off stakes in the World Cup to private investors for billions of dollars. One of the leading would-be investors is Joshua Kushner, brother of Trump’s son-in-law Jared. However UEFA has threatened a boycott.
Hahahaha, finally, at long fucking last, a footballing authority has stood up to this weird little Thunderbirds villain and his evil, nefarious plan to slaughter football and sell it off slice by slice to his evil fucking mates! Try holding a fucking World Cup without any fucking UEFA teams, you disgusting little prick! Fuck FIFA half a yard up its shitting, grifting arse! Fuck the Trumps, who need to be fired, one by one, bound, stripped and gagged, out of cannons in the general direction of the fucking Moon!
Finally, John Cleese has declared he trusts Restore Britain leader Rupert Lowe ‘more than any of the other leaders.’ Speaking from the Caribbean, where he is currently domiciled, he has cited concerns over immigration and free speech.
You fucking know what, you lanky, senile, ex-non-cunt? The immigration concerns I’d have if I was a Caribbean person would be obnoxious twats coming over and bringing everyone down by droning on about immigration happening somewhere fucking else! As for fucking free speech, once again you’ve exercised it, and you’re not going to jail so what are you fucking complaining about? Although you’ve confirmed it’s a good thing by exposing yourself as the toxic, repellent right-wing immigration obsessive you are, you most fucking disappointing of the Pythons!
